Drink Rum

Big shout out to my wife who completed her first day at her new job yesterday.

After quitting her horrible job early last fall, she'd been spending most of her time helping me get back on my feet (literally). Now that I'm mobile (the power of Vicodin propels me, the power of Vicodin propels me!), she's found a job in a better environment.

It doesn't hurt that it pays about 15% more than her old job either.

Go, wife, go!

Also, Andrew, re: new hosts on the poker show... Danny boy would be cool, but I think Gabe Kaplan should get the spot... but then again he's already doing that job on the Game Show Networks high stakes poker show (which Danny boy plays on). Kaplan is pretty sharp on card chatter and has a dry sense of humor that works for commentary.

Posted by Monty at 9:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I've only watched a few episodes of Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown this season, but the ones I saw I enjoyed. The celebrities for the most part are lame with a few exceptions. I enjoyed Dave Foley and Phil Gordon's commentary.

Sadly, next season the show is moving to New Orleans and leaving Phil Gordon in lovely Las Vegas.

Replacing Phil, will be another Phil... a lesser Phil. Phil Hellmuth.

His personality is as appealing as his name. He's easily my least favorite poker personality. He's the biggest damn crybaby ever.

Dave Foley's the whiney personality on the show... whiney but funny. Hellmuth is whiney like a spoiled brat in a mall whiney.

Ugh.

I'm curious as to whether the move has to do with tossing business towards the area formerly known as N'awlins or because the Palms in Vegas stopped caring.

Either way, it's a flop of a flop now.

Although if Foley beats up Hellmuth each week... I'd watch.

Sadly, I imagine the show will spend at least half of the televised time with Philbert discussing why he's better than everyone else. Pyucky.

Posted by Monty at 2:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Some administrative points first. Despite yesterday's post, I had nothing to do with psuedo-shootings on Capitol Hill. Secondly, I've found that about 75% of the sites that used to link to this one don't anymore. I guess my tired rants about being broken weren't entertaining enough. Oh well. The links weren't generating any traffic anyway.

So back to the subject at hand. Birthdays are a pain in the butt.

I've had the increasingly prudent policy governing birthdays over the past decade. I don't expect you to do anything/remember mine. Don't expect me do do anything/remember yours.

It's a very practical policy I always thought.

It started mostly because I can't remember dates. It's just easier to deal with increasing memory loss by not participating in the whole game.

The secondary reason is has more to do with the fact that with only a couple of exceptions I always got screwed on birthday festivities.

It was just easier to skip the whole process.

The only exception is that every year I exchange e-mails on my birthday with my one friend who remembers mine (and I hers). I think the reason we do so, however, is mainly because they are only a few days apart. My wife threw me a big fiesta last year which was cool. She and I went to NY and had a good time.

Anyway... I brought this up because the folks at the new job are more pally than I'm used to. Somebody sent an e-mail out about my b-day a while back and people made a much bigger deal about than I wanted. Oh well, free lunch was fine I suppose. I think it was make the new guy feel welcome day too maybe. But then when other people's birthdays at work have come and gone but nobody did anything... people are bitter. Too much drama.

My wife actually likes birthdays, but finally came over to my line of thinking after her family blew off hers this year. She wanted to get together with them and scheduled it, but they collectively cancelled to do something else. I convinced her to boycott family birthdays for a year.

After 21, birthdays are just a pain in the ass.

Posted by Monty at 12:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This is a big one and pretty well deserved.

I'm giving this one to the entire legislative branch of the federal government.

This week saw a lowly Looosiana representative get caught with his hand in the cookie jar. While no charges have been filed against William "Big Buck, No Whammie, Stop!" Jefferson, there appears to be quite a lot of damning evidence floating around out there. I could be wrong... perhaps money in the freezer is the best investment opportunity these days. Or he's a filthy politician. You decide. Go read a paper if you want more on (moron) Jefferson.

So the FBI raided Grubby McNasty's office and pulled lots and lots of files to use in their case against him.

And Congress is mad.

How dare the executive branch (the Justice Dept is part of executive branch) attack Congress! It's a violation of the seperation of powers or another easily digested sound bite. It's unconstitutional. Unconstitutional.

Congress is determining what is constitutional.

And now un-dum Bush is getting involved and freezing the raided files for 45 days. Do you think he's going to use that time to make friends in Congress? You betcha. I'm sure Rove is tickled now. Probably by a mexican hooker.

Here's where it gets educational.

The Constitution does have language in it designed to prevent the Executive branch from using law enforcement powers to blackmail or influence or intimidate the Legislative branch. No one wanted King Washington scaring congress. Fair enough. But if a Congressman is caught doing no no stuff that isn't directly tied to a pending vote or legislation... he's fair game. According to the Supreme Court.

Supreme Court? Who the hell are they? Oh that's right... they're the ones who actually have a constitutional mandate to interpret the constitution. Wow... that sounds like what Congress and journalists are trying to do. If only there were some way to get the judicial branch of the government involved so they could execute their check and balance on the situation.

Oh wait... didn't a federal judge issue the search and seizure warrant? Hey... judges are part of the judicial branch... and the judicial branch is in charge of maintaining the constitutional intergity of US laws.

Wow.

Eat a big one legislature.

Also... the Senate gets extra attention for the rider the attacted to their latest immigration bill... apparently now the US will "consult" with foreign countries prior to issuing new border controls or security measures.

We won't play nice with the UN regarding Iraq, but we'll make sure Mexico is happy.

Because Mexico is... I don't know.

I'm sure since President "Our People Will Do the Work Your Blacks Won't" Fox of Mexico was crying to Bush about operation Mexico is an Eye Sore... the fence of doom.

Everyone should know by now that I think George Bush is a big dumb animal. Why in the hell we care what Mexico thinks is beyond me. Oh crap... this was supposed to be about Congress.

Here's your award Congress.

Also... please join me in boycotting Mexico.

Boy this was an angry Friday.

Posted by Monty at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So this past weekend I went to a Wine Festival. I've never been to one before and am not much of a wine person at all. It all seems very snooty.

But it was free and we thought it'd be a fun change of pace.

The first few hours of the tastings were just about as snobby as I'd expected. After a while, though, people were getting drunk and stupid. Very much like a normal drinking crowd. I pretty much came to realize that wine snobs are basically the same people who'd get stupid drunk in college, but now have fancier jobs and still want to impress each other but hide behind a psuedo-sophistication of wine snobbery. In the end... the wine divas, the beer swillers, and rum runners are aiming for the same bullseye.

My sister is a wine snob. She's as learned about wines as I am about... nothing. She knows more about wines than I could ever know about anything else. Her husband is equally learned, but more relaxed. I asked what wines I should try, etc, and his thoughts were to try them all, screw the swirling, smelling, spitting and get a happy buzz going. Easy enough. By the way if you call a professional wine steward a Somalian instead of a Sommelier (fancy French term for pro-wine snob) they get angry. If they politely try to correct you, you can further aggrivate them by saying, "Whatever Pedro. Hit it again." and wave an empty glass in their direction.

Me in a wine tasting festival is very much like the Blues Brothers in the fancy restaurant... "How much for the little girl? How much for your women? We want to buy your women!"

I did find a winery that stood out from all the rest. It was staffed by hippees and their labels had satan on them. Before you say "run from the hippees" I should point out that most wine makers are just hippees with better hair and denim shirts.

The vinyard was Peaks of Otter Winery and all of their wines were yummy. They were all kind of gimmicky... but of all the wines I drank... theirs are the only ones I can remember/distinguish. There are two of note that I purchased and will review.

First, "Kiss the Devil"

This wine was presented to me as "better for basting than for tasting". I tried it anyway. It was africa hot. Super spicy wine. Basically it's a pepper wine made from an apple wine infused with about 30 different peppers. It was insane and undrinkable beyond the smallest sip... but I bet it goes great in a pasta sauce or brushed on a grilled chicken breast. Purchased.

Second... "Chili Dawg". This was presented to me by a hippee with a can of cheez whiz. Gross. I asked for the wine, spare the cheese. Regular cheese grosses me out... engineered spray cheese is of the devil. He told people to eat the spray cheese and then sip the wine. Instant pepperjack spray cheez. Apparently, it worked as advertised. I tried it sans cheese and founf that it was spicy but drinkable and would be a perfect wine to go with real cheese, crackers, salami or pepperoni, etc. Yum yum. It was a blend of %3 Kiss the Devil and 97% sweet apple wine. Really, really good. Purchased.

I tried all of the wines they had and all of them were great. I'll probably buy more off their web page.

I bought some other wines too, but I don't remember them so after I drink them I'll write whether they were any good.

I also bought an oak cask to age some spirits in.

I think I see some aged rum in my future. My 2007 future to be exact.

Posted by Monty at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Anytime you get a dozen or so drunk people hanging out in a room, you are bound to have a few surprises. Little did I know that I was about to come up with a brilliant franchise idea.

Various members of the bridal party were discussing "what a nice surprise" it was to see so and so or such and such. I got bored with that conversation (as I'm prone to do) and interjected, "You what a really nice surprise is? Hookers with cake. Yeah buddy."

The laugh I got was good, but it wasn't enough. So I continued on... as I do...

"The door bell rings... DING DONG. Hey baby... I brought cake. And booty. I'm from hookerswithcake.com. Best surprise ever."

There was much rejoicing.

Next year I will launch www.hookerswithcake.com... taking care of your hungry and your horney with a one stop shopping solution.

Posted by Monty at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In honor of Houdini Tarantino, this story is all out of order and not likely to make any sense at all.

Several hours after the wedding reception ended, several of of our gang were hanging out in the sitting area of the bridal suite. It was mostly the old college crowd with a few exceptions. After an hour we noticed there was a guy in the room that no one knew and he was barely able to stand up he was so drunk. After not saying a word to anyone the whole time, he promptly announced that he had had a great time but was going to bed. After the door closed behind him I asked, "Was that Quenton Tarantino?" Everyone agreed the unknown guest did look a great deal like the director/writer/loon.

The drunken party banter continued for a few minutes and then I noticed that Quenton had returned. But how? No one saw him come back in the room. A short while later, he announced his departure and left. Twenty minutes later, the incident repeated itself. I commented that the guy must have had some magic powers or something and someone must be summoning him to the room somehow... like the were rubbing a magic lamp and shouting "Puffin Shunt!" I didn't say puffin shunt, I said Pulp Fiction... but the groom's sister thought I said puffin shunt and for some reason thought that was funnier. The beer was taking hold I think.

Five minutes later... Tarantino came back, and then quietly left. This time I ran to the door and looked down the hall after him... but he was gone. An escape artist... Houdini Tarantino I dubbed him.

We decide to leave the bridal suite and let the newly married couple sleep. We headed down the hall and rang for the elevator. DING The doors parted and standing there was none other than Houdini Tarantino. I screamed. Houdini quietly said goodnight as the doors closed. My friend with a digital camera came running down the hall hoping to get a picture of Houdini, but the doors closed before he got there. On a whim he hit the elevator button and the doors immediately openned and Houdini was standing there looking baffled. He stammered, "I didn't make the doors open." My friend snapped a picture and the doors closed again.

We then spent twenty minutes pressing the elevator buttons to see if we could resummon Houdini Tarantino... but alas he was gone.

Posted by Monty at 9:50 PM | Permalink

Well...

Hookers with Cake
Houdini Tarentino
The Short Bus Gang
Puffin Shunt
Boob Luv
and much much more.

This was a tease... the post will come on Monday. Needless to say... lots of good stuff.

Posted by Monty at 6:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I think the US marketing folks should have to drop the phrase "all volunteer" from their campaigns referring to the US Army.

It's not all volunteer anymore. There are 13,000 people currently serving that cannot leave the military, despite their service requirements being fulfilled.

Before you sneeze... I have no problem with the US saying you can't leave the army. No one is going to be showing up in droves to head over to Iraq. But we need to keep on doing whatever it is we do over there.

I just think the army should own up to the fact that the US Army has a fair number of people in it that'd rather not be.

Also, the US Army has been lurking around E3 trying to convince people war is like Ghost Recon.

Apparently, they had a display that featured a decked out marine in a Michael Bay combat scene with the slogan, "No Princesses, No Power Ups, No Cheat Codes". Next to that were a couple of recruiters with new haircuts.

Short one today... too much else going on at the moment to ramble on.

Posted by Monty at 4:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I think I'm the last of the margarita purists.

I was tinkering around with some recipes for tasty margaritas. For whatever reason I was determined to make a good mango margarita. I tried a couple of recipes. I tried using a new Cruzan Mango Rum instead of orange liquor. I tried using a bit of mango nectar instead of some lime juice. I tried a fresh made mango puree. I didn't get anything that I was tickled about, but I think with a few more tweeks I'll have it.

But I was prepping the recipe was a party I was going to. Because the recipe wasn't air tight, I decided I wasn't going to make any at the party... I'd just go with my basic margarita.

My margarita recipe varies depending on the weather (seriously). It's pretty simple. This part doesn't change:

2 Parts Tequila
1 Part Lime Juice (not Rose's or sweetened)
1 Part Orange Liquor

The recipe changes with the tequila and orange liquor. With the measures I use and lack of syrup, a good tequila is helpful here. Patron is the usual, but it doesn't have to be. It'll usually be whatever I have a lot of laying around. This weekend it was Patron.

The orange liquor is where most fights start. You've really got 3 choices... Triple Sec, Cointreau, and Grand Marnier.

If it's cold out... I like Grand Marnier. It's high proof makes the drink warmer and it doesn't mellow the tequila much, so it's a bit less smooth to drink. In cold weather, I like those characteristics. In warmer weather I like a lighter margarita. Cointreau is pretty good if you're a snob, but honestly... cheap-o Triple Sec works fine too. All you're really doing is mellowing the tequila. You're not making an orange-rita.

So the recipe for the party was going to be Patron, Lime Juice, and Cointreau. I didn't have any Triple Sec.

Nobody but me likes my recipe... which by the way, is THE traditional recipe for a margarita.

I don't freeze it or salt it.

When I was at the party and someone asked for margarita mix I winced. My drink became "Tequila & Lime" according to the crowd.

Oh well. I didn't push the traditional margarita on anyone else. If you're used to a syrup-filled fish bowl glass from Carlos O'Kelly's you're probably not going to like my drink.

I guess that's what people like now. Pyucky.

Oh well... I drank me a ton of Patron with limejuice.

Posted by Monty at 3:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Today's award will actually be presented by Becker who wrote a justification for the award in a few short sentences that would have taken me three paragrpahs to articulate. Becker sez:

"Rep Pat Kennedy bashed up his car at 2:45 am. The arriving cops said he was drunk, but the higher ups pulled a half-assed coverup.

Why the FART? Because he has seven dollars more than God and he doesn't have the presence of mind to just hire a chaufueur. If it were me, I'd be getting tanked in the back seat of a limo while Kyle Petty drove my fat ass around."

Thanks for the FART Becker.

Becker is a decent family man... you can tell because he left out the hookers, drugs, and guns that would have been riding around in the limo with me if I were King of the Forest.

Also, keep an eye out for the return of the alcohol posts and reviews. I'll be tinkering with an old favorite recipe this weekend and I'll be posting recipes and reviews Sunday or Monday.

Posted by Monty at 9:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

"If America is so blessed, why is our oil buried under people who hate us?"

-Jon Stewart

Posted by Monty at 9:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I saw yesterday that the jury in the big terrorist case has sentenced Zacharius Mousousooii (who cares really) to life in prison instead of death. The conventional wisdom is that he wanted to die and be a martyr or some such nonsense.

They shoulda killed him.

If they're going to keep him in prison, though, it should be a prison sponsored in part by Oscar Mayer. He should have to live in the bologna room. Everyday when it's his time to pray to his crap god... a Jewish woman should sit on his head and punch him in the crotch with a ham, screaming "Where's your god now, dirt bag?".

That'd be fun.

I also though that it'd be funny to give him daily blood transfusions of pig blood. During the process he'd have to watch Judge Judy and Desperate Housewives.

My wife thinks I'm mean, but my thought is that if Mr. Poo Stain (his given name in Arabic) is going to stand up in court and say that we can't do anything to him because he's great, Bin Ladel is great, and his god is great... we should look at this as a scientific experiment and see if he's right.

Ram a pepperoni stick in his hinder every hour on the hour.

That's if we keep him, I'm more of the mindset that we should have just shot him.

No frills, no lawyers... just have judge Brinkma stand up, draw a gun Eastwood style and plug him in the eye like Moe Green.

Would anybody really object? I mean anyone we care about?

I'm not in the pro-judge shooting defendant camp... I actually enjoy the rule of law. But if a defendant says I did it, I'd do it again... and I think that everyone in your country should die.... to me that sounds like it warrants a bullet in the eye.

I'm sure there is some activist group out there that would say it was naughty to eye shoot him.

But shoot them too.

And in case any of the hippie activists read this... uh yeah right... I actually understand the reasoning behind the 9/11 attacks. The US has done a pretty good job screwing over Arabs for quite a long time. If you act surprised that it happened, you're living in denial. That said, I'm in favor of paving the Middle East and putting up a Disney World. The Aladdin rides would be awesome. If you want to fight somebody... fight 'em all the way until there's nothing left... the US Middle Eastern policy has been a series of nose punches and then turning our backs on an angry enemy while dusting off our hands and thinking how "we showed them".

Posted by Monty at 11:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

On October 26, 2000 I purchased my Playstation 2 video game system. Today... it died.

I enjoyed my time with my PS2, but alas it is over.

The laser is malfunctioning and cannot read the game discs. The replacement part and labor would be more than buying a new PS2.

I'm torn with choices now.

The first thought that I had was to purchase a new PS2... but that's $150. Do I want to put $150 into a game system that's going to be obsolete in November? Not really.

I then thought of getting a new Xbox 360... but then I remembered that I never liked Xboxes. While the snazzy HD spec games for the 360 looked nice, there are several flaws in the system that have steered me away from it. Overheating, no wireless network support, using HD vid specs but not offering a digital vid output (um WTF?), lack of games of interest, etc. The last one was the kicker.

It looks like I'll be waiting until Novmember for a PS3. Based on what I read it'll be worth the wait. Aside from a monster video game system, it'll also be a Blu-Ray drive for uber cool HD movies. Hopefully, Toshiba will die off soon and HD movies will finally be real. (Sony and Toshiba are doing their best to ruin the future of home video... since Sony has done well by me, I blame Toshiba by default... and their technology is also inferior.)

So I have to wait 6 months for video games on my fun TV. *sigh*

I'll miss my PS2. I'd just rediscovered it in the past 3 months and gotten back into playing it again.

Poo.

Posted by Monty at 10:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Casinos really do have a way with their labor management. Yesterday around the US was Mexican skip day or some such nonsense. Bascially all the illegal aliens and many legal and sypathetic hispanics took yesterday off to protest the fact the government is considering enforcing the law. I think their point was to prove that if illegal aliens were all deported the economy would stop. That's dubious... I do know if they were all deported that it would save the US about $10 billion in hand outs (that goes to about $30 billion if all the illegals get amnesty).

So bunches of people played hookey. I was sick yesterday, so I went home early. My stomach was protesting the presence of illegal alien food products. Unlike Congress, there was no debate and the aliens were deported.

But back to casinos. Casinos in Las Vegas employ lots and lots of hispanics. I'd wager (because we're talking casinos) that 100% are legal. Casinos don't do things to risk their gaming licenses so I'd be very surprised if illegals were present.

The casinos in Las Vegas basically took a stand yesterday that if you skip work... we'll fire you.

Good for them.

As a result... I think 5 people in Las Vegas called in sick. There are seriously numbers on this... of the 60,000 (20,000 are hispanic) employees of Wynn casino... 3 called in sick.

I think they proved their point too.

The illegal aliens might think that the US economy will shut down if they disappear... but casinos proved that intangible causes aren't worth losing your job over. Most places (especially in the Washington area) are too PC to do something like that. Casinos only see one color... green.

Posted by Monty at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)