Drink Rum

Monday brought massive rain to my house. I was pretty convinced that my basement was going under, but it held. We didn't lose electricity and the creek behind the house gave us a big scare, but eventually went back to being within a hundred yards of its original banks. The sump pump was working overtime keeping the basement dry, but it was making a mess of the backyard. I was worried that all the water now ponding in the back would be another threat so I decided to engineer a solution. I decided to duct tape a hose into the pvc pipe running out of the house and run the hose to a storm drain in the street. So I headed around to the side of the house with tape and hose. I took a good look at the volume of water being pumped out of the 3 inch diameter pvc pipe in a torrent and was suddenly skeptical of using my 1 inch garden hose as a conduit. But I shrugged and decided to give it a go. If you've ever seen the 3 Stooges episode "A Plumbing We Will Go", you've got a good idea of what happens when you try to do a plumbing exercise on a pipe that's belching out large volumes of water. I did manage to keep from caging myself in with pipe and also to not pipe water into the electrical equipment... eventually leading to water inside lightbulbs ("this house is show gone crazy!"). During the aquatic fun, I look down and there's a little monster attacking me foot.

There's a big crayfish doing its best to kill me via my boot. It was vicious. If it could have talked it probably have been saying, "cha! cha-cha! cha!" as it alternated left-right pinchy stabs at my foot. I didn't have time to deal with a pissed off crustaceon so I flicked it away with my boot and refocused on the "ol faithful" of a pvc pipe/garden hose project I was working on.

Finally I got all the water from the pipe running through the hose and into the street. I stood proud... and wet at my accomplishment.

I walked down the hill a little ways to go check on the swamp of my backyard and immediately another mudbug attacked. I thought he was surrendering actually. When I had stepped in his direction, he stood up out of the water and threw both claws in the air the way a Frenchman responds to a German. Little did I know that it was a trap. The little freak apparently had been watching the Matrix and tried to bust some Neo moves on my boot. Like his friend... he was punted. He landed with a splash and immediately, ten more crayfish "surrendered".

I was now a bit wierded out. I looked around and my yard/swamp was crawling (very literally) with crayfish. I wasn't interested in fighting them... especially since they outnumbered me greatly and I was on their soggy turf.

And I was starting to feel like I was in a bad horror film or Twilight Zone episode. Attack of the Crawdad. The hell if I was going to be someone else's late night TV entertainment.

With the water levels declining, the crayfish are retreating... but they're still out there. Every now and then I'll see one... crossing my driveway... peeking out from the bushes... attacking a bird.

I think the only way I'll ever be rid of them is if I bring up a Cajun to my house. Cajuns are the Black Flags of the crayfish world. And 'gators.

I did go inside and drink a Hurricane... since I was having a N'walins moment.

Posted by Monty at 3:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Last year when we had heavy rains, my basement flooded due to an electrical problem that knocked out my sump pump. We're currently receiving record levels of rain and have about 24 - 36 hours of rain to go before it's all over and done with.

The pump is hanging in there and the basement is dry, but the creek behind our house is out of its banks and closing... the creek is probably 800-1000 feet away from the house normally. It's about 100 feet from the house at the moment.

If we lose power, the basement will flood without the pump running. If we get 5-6 more inches of rain, we'll have the creek in the basement.

I'll know by tomorrow morning.

Posted by Monty at 4:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don't have a F.A.R.T. for today.

I was going to give another one to Congress for giving themselves a raise... because they've done such a good job lately. I don't care about not raising minimum wage... I think it's fine that the govt leave that alone.

But it also looks like they're going to let the equal rights voting law/act expire, which makes me happy. The act did two things... one, it served as a reminder that states in the south used to lie, cheat, and steal votes away from black people. The act in that context is mostly symbolic. Voter manipulation still exists. Republicans will try to keep minorities away from the polls. Democrats will try to keep rednecks away.

The second and more practical purpose is that it requires election ballots to be printed in additional languages for people that don't speak english. Liberal windbags are now saying that it's unfair and racist to not print ballots in other languages. But then they forget that whole part of the immigration law that says to be a US citizen you have to be able to communicate in English. And you have to be a citizen to vote. So really... you don't need a law that requires bilingual ballots because you have to have learned english to be a citizen in the first place.

That is of course, unless you've cheated.

English... love it. Get used to it. If you want the "American Dream" you have to sell yourself out just like every american. You can drop your native language at the door. No one here gives a damn about your cultural identity. We just want an SUV with better gas mileage.

I'm so sleepy.

I had another point, but I'm too tired to type it out. It revolved around George W. Bush being a lying, hypocritical bastard or something though.

I think when I move, I'm going to move to Montana and get a ranch. And then a cowboy hat. Not a white trash Texas cowboy hat... with matching boots and a hubcat-sized belt buckle. Just a cowboy hat. Then I'd get a horse, a rifle and ride around my ranch. It would probably only take 15 minutes for me to fall off the horse and break my neck. At least then I don't have to figure out how to pay for the ranch.

Posted by Monty at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

All roads in Boston lead into each other. It's a proven fact. I've never seen a city with a more randomly set up traffic structure. People think DC is crazy, try Boston some time. I swear there's probably a place there where four one-way streets empty into a vacant lot with no exit.

I sat down in my uber comfy first class seat on United's happy Airbus 320. I like the Airbus line. Yes, I know they're UK/French/German built, but they're better than flying on most of the 7x7 Boeing birds these days. Being in first class I got to get on first. While this looks like a great deal to the masses standing around waiting to get on a plane, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. You get boarded at the same time as children without parents, parents without legs, or the oldest people ever. On my flight there were several people who probably taking the flight to remember they day they saw the Wright Brothers fly.

I was automatically the bane of first class seating. I'd never flown up there before, so I was being annoying... according to the guy sitting next to me. I don't think hopping up and down in my seat while chanting, "free drinks please, free drinks please!" was annoying. Several children passing into coach thought it was great. I heard several of them mimicking me in the back later in the flight.

One of the reasons it takes so long to board a plane is because of all the froo-froo stuff going on in first class. They stopped the boarding to serve us orange juice, water, or coffee before flight. I asked for orange juice and some vodka. They gave it to me along with a nice, non-licey pillow, and a towel styled blanket. I pretended to fall asleep and feigned loud snoring. I told the guy next to me that I was just kidding around and didn't snore like that. I told him the only thing he had to fear was my explosive gas... but that only bothered me when I was drunk. I think took a swig of vodka and laughed.

The guy buried his head in a magazine about Mens Health or something.

The plane taxied and then stopped. We were delayed 40 minutes due to immigrants. Saturdays along the Northeast Coast from Washington DC, New York, to Boston are immigrant central. Tons of international flights filled with the tired, unwashed masses yearning to breathe free and eat a McWhopper were filling the skys. We had to wait until some of them landed.

The flight was short and uneventful. I listened to the cockpit channel on the radio device and was entertained by that.

Nothing eventful happened at the airport.

We then took a $30 cab ride from the airport to the hotel. The distance was under 4 miles, but we had to pay to use a tunnel and a bean tax or something.

The hotel was nice. Sheraton Boston. Tired and hungry I went off and got some food. Kalifornia Pizza Hut. I got a pizza with a sausage on it or something. It was ok.

I decided to head over to the convention center to register. The conference had a bus service set up to go back and forth every 15 minutes. Our bus driver was new (I'm not lying) to Boston and got lost. We took a very nice long bus tour of the city. We went around the convention building twice before the drive finally admitted he was lost and we could all get out and walk or drive around lost for another hour. We all got out. The traffic in Boston is silly. There's not much volume. Lots of pedestrians... all of which jaywalk and slow things down. The roads are all narrow and intersected randomly.

We walked to the massive convention center and signed in. We got loot bags and badges. We were like IT sheriffs.

I then got bored and left.

It turns out that I missed a special celebrity guest... Chloe O'Brien from 24 was there to talk about IT and security.

Microsoft having a fictional character come talk about IT and security seemed somewhat fitting.

I was bummed that I didn't get to meet Chloe though. I watched 24 (but not this season, so shhhhh) and liked her character. She's kinda sexy in a wierd girl sorta way.

I went to bed early. I had to be up early the next day for the real start of the conference.

Posted by Monty at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So now I can say that I've been to Boston.

Here's my official report of the trip. Or at least part of it. I could get bored with the topic and take a nap.

We'll see.

My wife drove me to the airport early Sunday afternoon. Dulles was in the process of deporting thousands of immigrants so the security lines were a zoo. Due to a technical screw up on my part, I was flying to Boston in the First Class cabin. At the United check in counter they treated me very well. First class had no line and a non-surly check-in person.

I made my way to the security line and tried in vain to find the first class passenger security line. I'm sure it was around there somewhere. I tried to cut in line a few times. I just held up my ticket and said, "First Class... comin' through. Outta the way riff-raff." Sadly, no one moved.

In line behind me were a a group of people from New York or New Jersey who couldn't get the concept of personal space. The lady behind me would bump into me everytime I moved forward a step in line. Finally, I turned around to yell at her and was confronted by a 60ish lady (who had surgically taken a few parts of her face back to her 40s) with the largest glasses I'd ever seen. "Jesus!" I said as I turned to her. Her glasses were one step smaller than those gimmick glasses that clowns use. I didn't know what to do. I suddenly thought that this crazy lady had vision problems and was bumping into me because of that.

"Get the line movin up there, fella." said Blind Betty's equally old and crusty friend.

"What?"

"I have to keep pushing you to keep you moving." said Blind Betty.

I guess the fact that I was leaving a healthy foot or two between me and the person in front of me was bothering these old people and so they were just pushing me.

I just turned around and decided to let it go. Until she bumped into me again.

"If you bump into me one more time I'll yell 'rape'".

The ladies' jaws hit the floor and they started gasping like fish on ground. Then an old dude in golf pants tried to be a hero.

"You can't talk to my wife like that."

"Well you can't get a hard on without viagra... so now we're even." I don't know why I said that last part, but it seemed logical at the time.

The bumping stopped.

About twenty minutes later, the group of old people tried to cut in the security line by moving into the handicap access area and then pretending they didn't know they made a wrong turn.

But I told on them and the TSA guy made them go to the back of the line.

They glared at me as they walked by headed for the rear, but I just mouthed the words "rape" and "viagra" at them. I stuck my tongue out once for emphasis.

It took 90 minutes to get through security. Luckily the old, bitter New Jorkers (Jersey/York, who cares) made the time fly by.

Then I flew to Boston, went to a conference, came home, the end.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Posted by Monty at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The Microsoft seminar continues. The I won a contest and the hot chick in the wet suit gave a free thumb drive. Thumb drives are awesome and all but the interaction with hot chick was a positive boon.

I also hit the lottery on t-shirts. EMC was handing them out if you listened to a 5 minute briefing on why saving e-mail whas import and how they had a solution. I got 2 shirts from them. And a USB dongle.... a 4 port USB replicator.

I've got more software than I know what to do with.

I've basically got the advanced beta suite for all of the Microsoft Office / SharePoint 2007. Some of it looks pretty cool. Sharepoint 2007 looks great. I think I'm going to replace an intranet with it.

Microsoft Powershell is pretty cool too. Basically it's a shell tool that's basically a Windows version of BASH. It runs very nicely with windows objects.

Vendors are fun. I'm in a drawing for a $25k home theater system. If I win it, I'm going to trade it to a builder for a deck and patio.

I'm drinking coffee again. Free Starbucks is too good to pass up. Plus, by the end of the day the seminars are sleepy time unless I caffinate up.

Pretty cool stuff. I'll post more over the rest of the week.

Posted by Monty at 7:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm not sure what they were selling, but I bought 17 of them.

Hot chicks in in wet suits are the best sales people ever. And I'm not talking hot like "whoa she's hot"... I'm talking hot like your groin explodes hot.

As a general rule, the expo/vendor floor is full of hot chicks.

And wierd pokyman-nintendo looking characters.

So I bought 17 enterprise content management systems and pushed a pokyman down.

I should get some pictures.

Of pokymans of course.

Posted by Monty at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Greetings from sunny and comfortable Boston.

This entry is coming to your courtesy of Microsoft and their TechEd Seminar/Convention.

Things I've learned so far...

1) Their evaluation (rate the sessions) server died. Apparently giving away xbox 360s to people for filling out surveys worked a real treat. I still haven't won one yet... but I'm evaluating the hell out of everything.

2) Tomorrow (tuesday) is the largest patch in microsoft history. Take cover arizona.

3) Traveling for free is fun.

That's it for now. Lunch is calling. After that I'm hitting the vendor floor. Nvidia is here and they've brought gifts.

Posted by Monty at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So yesterday the US military forces blew up al Queda's vice president or deputy nutcase or whatever his title was. He was the Dick Cheney of al Quesedia.

Zarqawi is dead. War's over. Let's go home.

Or not.

Because the American people are so highly skeptical of the government these days, someone in the high command (probably not Bush... he's in the high chair, not high command) decided the best way to shut up the skeptics was to give the media a photo op with a framed picture of bloated corpsey head of Zarqawi.

OK... the American public is now aware that he's dead. And there was much rejoicing.

I want everyone... and by everyone I mean the four people who read this... I want everyone to think really hard about this for a second.

How do fanatical extremists react to seeing the dead heads of people they hold in high regard?

Do they:

a: Say, "crap, cap'n is dead... we surrender"
b: Take a few months to reorganize and then return with a new business model
c: Plead no contest and take 30 days in Abu Gravy Train and 5 years no terror probation?
d: Get really pissed off and start blowing things up and killing people.

Ask an Israeli to take that test and see what their experiences have been with killing off terrorist leaders and gloating.

Or maybe ask yourself a question or two... you're not an extremist... you're not a hell bent psychopath.

How did you feel when you saw images of American soldiers or civilian bodies being dragged through a street, beheaded, or burned and hang off a bridge? OK, now take that and mix in some jihad and shake with ice and serve.

I was going to make a joke here about imagine how you'd feel if you saw Dick Cheney's dead head on the news tonight, and how about 70% of the US would be thrilled... but I decided that that was in poor taste. I have no idea what the actual statistic would be.

So al Queda's number 2 is dead. That, in and of itself, is a good thing. He was a bad guy. He was not the brilliant mastermind of all things bad in the world, but his death removes a tactical problem for the US military. That... is a good thing.

The bad thing here is the media hypification of this turkey's dead head.

It shows that the US military still does not understand the war they are trying to fight. They do not understand the enemy they are trying to help with one hand and kill with the other. They are clinging to the old military logic of taking out the C3 (command, control, communications) and then cleaning up the rest later. Cut off the head and the body dies.

The problem here is that we're dealing with a different type of lifeform... these guys are hydras... cut off a head, two more grow back. You can spend an inifinite amount of time cutting off heads.

As Alan Rickman once told Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest... "What does it want? What is its motivation?"

Allen replied that it was a rock, it didn't have motivation.

There is a motivation in Iraq though. Instead of saying "bad guys" hate us because we're free or some other such nonsense, maybe find out why they hate us... and maybe fix the problem instead of the fixing the symptoms.

The US military planners and high command get the FART this week.

In a special award, I'm giving Harry Truman a FART award too. Since he started all of this mess.

Posted by Monty at 9:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I was visiting a urinal at work today and overheard someone in a stall having some sort of chat with someone or something.

At first I wasn't sure what was happening. I thought I heard him speak, but then thought maybe it was a grunt or straining sound. After a moment I found that it was a guy talking in a breathy grunting tone.

He was saying things like, "ok... two", "yep", "that's it", "oooooh-k", "maybe-*plop*-oh god", "um... ok. later, ok?".

Then I thought, maybe a phone call.

It wasn't.

Pyucky.

Posted by Monty at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Someone just told me that today is national devil day or some such nonsense.

Does Hallmark have a card for that?

Posted by Monty at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I wish I knew the answer to this question, but am I getting too old or are high school kids getting more stupid?

I was standing in line at a Subway today waiting for my Tuscan chicken sub to get Quiznosed and three kids from the local high school were chatting behind me.

Because I work in Fairfax, the kids were speaking English. Had I been near home, they'd have been habloing spanols.

I listened to the chatter for a few minutes and decided that kids are idiots. I don't think I was as stupid as this trio, but maybe.

It's rare that I see people in the 16-22 age range that don't just come off as idiots, but maybe it's me.

I might just be getting ready to be a grumpy old man. That kinda sucks though... I don't like old people either.

Posted by Monty at 9:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)