Drink Rum

So now I can say that I've been to Boston.

Here's my official report of the trip. Or at least part of it. I could get bored with the topic and take a nap.

We'll see.

My wife drove me to the airport early Sunday afternoon. Dulles was in the process of deporting thousands of immigrants so the security lines were a zoo. Due to a technical screw up on my part, I was flying to Boston in the First Class cabin. At the United check in counter they treated me very well. First class had no line and a non-surly check-in person.

I made my way to the security line and tried in vain to find the first class passenger security line. I'm sure it was around there somewhere. I tried to cut in line a few times. I just held up my ticket and said, "First Class... comin' through. Outta the way riff-raff." Sadly, no one moved.

In line behind me were a a group of people from New York or New Jersey who couldn't get the concept of personal space. The lady behind me would bump into me everytime I moved forward a step in line. Finally, I turned around to yell at her and was confronted by a 60ish lady (who had surgically taken a few parts of her face back to her 40s) with the largest glasses I'd ever seen. "Jesus!" I said as I turned to her. Her glasses were one step smaller than those gimmick glasses that clowns use. I didn't know what to do. I suddenly thought that this crazy lady had vision problems and was bumping into me because of that.

"Get the line movin up there, fella." said Blind Betty's equally old and crusty friend.

"What?"

"I have to keep pushing you to keep you moving." said Blind Betty.

I guess the fact that I was leaving a healthy foot or two between me and the person in front of me was bothering these old people and so they were just pushing me.

I just turned around and decided to let it go. Until she bumped into me again.

"If you bump into me one more time I'll yell 'rape'".

The ladies' jaws hit the floor and they started gasping like fish on ground. Then an old dude in golf pants tried to be a hero.

"You can't talk to my wife like that."

"Well you can't get a hard on without viagra... so now we're even." I don't know why I said that last part, but it seemed logical at the time.

The bumping stopped.

About twenty minutes later, the group of old people tried to cut in the security line by moving into the handicap access area and then pretending they didn't know they made a wrong turn.

But I told on them and the TSA guy made them go to the back of the line.

They glared at me as they walked by headed for the rear, but I just mouthed the words "rape" and "viagra" at them. I stuck my tongue out once for emphasis.

It took 90 minutes to get through security. Luckily the old, bitter New Jorkers (Jersey/York, who cares) made the time fly by.

Then I flew to Boston, went to a conference, came home, the end.

I'm gonna take a nap.