Drink Rum

Hello there people.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. And it's not for a lack of strong material either. I have a story about almost knocking down Jennifer Lopez. I have a story about the power of hooting at a craps table. And I have a story about pulling Joseph Stalin's finger.

Instead, I will tell the story of where I have been for almost the past two weeks.

Two weeks ago I was sent to a conference in Las Vegas by my employers. That is always a good time. This time was no exception.

Prior to leaving I noticed that I would end up running out of Vicodin while in Las Vegas... having taken the stuff daily for two years, I didn't really want that to happen. So I called my dealer... er doctor... and requested a refill. As I had done almost monthly for quite some time. I called on a Wednesday morning before my Sunday flight. It's not unusual for my doctor to take a couple of days to get my prescriptions filled. He's a surgeon and is out of the office 2-3 days a week cutting people. So friday, I called to check the status. The receptionist told me that because it was a narcotic, I'd need to come in for an office visit. I said, "Really? Can I come in now, because I'm getting on a plane in two days and will be gone for over a week?" She said no, but he could see me a week and a half after I got back. I asked her to make sure that my doctor understood that that situation would put me without pain meds for two weeks. She said he was aware and that if an issue came up to just go to the ER. I then asked her why no one had bothered to call me with this little tidbit a couple of days ago when I could have actually come into the office. She said that they'd been busy. Oh, that's great. Busy.

I hung up.

Through a bit of luck and the kindness of a friend, I was given a stay of execution (as it were). I was given a shiney happy bottle of 30 percocets. That would last me the week I needed to get back from the Las Vegas trip. Opiates in hand, I flew off to Las Vegas and had a wonderful time. Until I got sick. Sinus infection, fever, sore throat, double ear infections. Upon landing, my ears didn't clear when we came home. They're still jammed up with middle ear unhappiness. I haven't had a chance to get that looked at yet. A higher priority came up.

Upon getting home, there was a voicemail left for me from my doctor's office. They wanted to reschedule my appointment to late december. Basically, put off my ability to get pain relief for 6 weeks. I called them. I told them to tell Dr. Rosenpenis that he was fired. I told him that his inability to provide a simple service was no longer tolerable. I asked that my records be boxed up and that I be allowed to pick them up. They babbled. I said, nay, nay! Ship has sailed. I'm gone.

I fired my doctor.

I also fired my dealer.

Five days ago, I took my last opiate.

Knowing at the time that I'd reached the end of supply. I decided to check into a rehab facility. But I was denied. Within 50 miles of me, there is only one opiate detox facility. There are 15 alcohol detox facilities, and one for opiates. By the time I finished calling every medical facility in the area and getting, "no we don't do detox, but we can give you a support group" I finally found a place that did do detox. When I talked to them, they agreed that it would behoove me to come in and likely do inpatient detoxification. Two years of opiates can do a real mess to you physically and mentally. The nice lady I talked to then informed me that they had no room at the moment. Also, she told me that many insurance don't cover opiate detox. Alcohol yes, but not opiates. Lovely. But since they had no room, it was a moot point.

That was five days ago.

This morning they finally called back and pronounced me cured.

There are no opiates in my system. All gone. It takes about 4 days to get completely detoxed and I was past that point. Withdrawl effects can still be present up to several months (and are still very much present in me). But, with the opiates gone... everyday is going to get easier to tolerate as my brain begins to produce it's own happy juices instead of relying on the pill form.

I have an appointment to go see the rehab folks tomorrow morning. They want to run some tests and see what can be done to make the withdrawl symptoms as tolerable as possible. I'm down with that.

For those who don't know opiate withdrawl isn't like you see on TV or in a movie.

My eyes never got red and puffy. I never sat on the couch shivering or clawing at my skin. Nothing that dramatic. No.

My withdrawl started with perpetual lower digestive issues. Then upper. I spent most of my waking hours in the bathroom. Interestingly enough, because the issue is based on chemicals in the brain, there's nothing you can physically do to stop those symptoms. Pepto, Ammodium, all of those... they work on the physical effects in the system. My brain was all jacked up and didn't care what the actual conditions were. It was a very strange feeling to be completely nauseated and hungry at the same time. And have to eat... feeling like every bite was going to come right back out. It never did though. Just felt like that.

Sleep left me next. The first 72 hours I managed 5 hours of total sleep. Insomnia is expected to last me a fairly long time due to the length of my usage.

Then came the headaches. Not normal ones. My brain actually hurts. It's made worse by the sinus infection. Tylenol has no effect.

Sweating has been non-stop. To the point that frequent clothing changes are required.

My nose began running 4 days ago and hasn't stopped. The sinus love that.

Then came the strangest one. I got ADD. I think. I have no idea what ADD is like, but I'm guessing it was like I was experiencing. My brain/thoughts were moving at the speed of light. I felt like I was overdosing on speed. I couldn't focus on anything. Trying to make dinner took hours because I was constantly doing 25 things at once. It was really, really crazy. Here's an example of a snapshot of that:

Brain thoughts-

I'm hungry
I should make dinner
I need to go to the bathroom first
I should start cooking first then go to the bathroom
I wonder what's on TV to watch with dinner
I better look first
Maybe I should wait
Or I could watch a movie
What do I feel like watching?
What do I want to eat?
Maybe I should order a pizza so I don't have to cook?
I should go to the bathroom first
Are the dishes clean?
They are but where's my favorite black bowl.
Oh it's in the sink
Well I can't have pasta if that bowl's dirty.
What's on TV in the background?
I should watch Judge Judy.
Or Judge Alex.
Let me see how many of each I have Tivoed
Well there are more Alexs than Judys so I'll watch Alex to make them even.
But Judge is funnier.
Ok I'll watch Judge Judy.
Unless there's something on HBO.
Let me look.
I need to go to the bathroom first.
I'll start the water boiling for the pasta and then go to the bathroom.
Where's my black bowl?
Oh it's still in the sink.
I guess I'll wash it
Then boil water
Then go to the bathroom
do I have any pasta in the house?
I have five kinds
do i have sauce?
oh good, I do.
what time is it?
I haven't feed the dogs, no wonder they're mad.
I'll feed them first
so they'll be happy
maybe i'll give them a special treat because they've been patient
what kind of treat should I give them?
i should go to the bathroom first

(it took two hours to make dinner that night)

I actually stood in the center of my living room with my eyes as wide as could be because I was paralyzed with the inability to follow a single thought for more than a second.

So now we're here.

My brain still hurts. My lower digestive unpleasantness is still present. My nose is still running, but much less. The infections in my head are raging. I can't sleep.

But my sense of humor has returned. There was a period of about 30 hours where I couldn't find anything funny. That was horrible.

I'm sure I've got several more days of unfunness left.

I cancelled Thanksgiving because I don't think I have it in me to host 30+ people yet. I'll probably spend the day on the couch eating a sandwich and watching House MD (he's still my hero). It somehow seems fitting to mark the two year anniversary of the accident that started this all (on thanksgiving day 2005) in a more quiet environment than a large fiesta would allow. I won't get the chance to make a fried turkey this year. Or garlic smashed potatoes. Or jalapeno cornbread. But I will just work on feeling better. One day at a time.

I can't believe I said that... now I've got the stupid theme song from that sitcom stuck in my head. Whatever happened to Schneider anyway? Was that guy's name Pat Harrington? If it is, I'll be impressed and depressed that I knew that.

If I don't post again before Thursday, happy Thanksgiving to you and everyone you feel thankful for.