Drink Rum

Well... it's Christmas Eve. I guess it's really Christmas Eve afternoon, which seems less impactful. I'm not sitting at home by a fire, sipping hot chocolate under a blanket while Burl Ives sings in the ol' stereo. I'm sitting in a cubical in front of a laptop, chugging Gatorade with Pink Floyd's Animals blazing in my headphones.

I've grown increasingly cynical about... um... everything... over the past few years. It should come as a surprise to no one that Christmas seems to be another target or my ire. It's funny, as I don't seem to be alone in my thoughts on many aspects here, but for whatever reason I get labelled as the "Scrooge". (Just for the record, Scrooge was a far more believable character than Jesus or Santa.)

What does Christmas mean to people? Well... mostly it means lots of money moving around. There are whole industries that earn the majority of their annual revenue in the Christmas month of December. People buying things for other people... usually things that the target people don't want in the first place. Or buying gift cards... essentially saying, "you go get it". (Which... I like btw.) Or a classic amongst the older people in my family... giving gifts of crap that were found in the attic... the classic, "I don't want this, but I'm sure you do" gift. Gifting.

Bleh. I'm trying desperately to avoid purchasing anything for anyone this year (and doing fairly well), although I know that tonight I will have to run out and get at least one last minute thing. I don't know what that "thing" is yet, but it's my tradition to go get one "thing" and give the true gift of Christmas... that, of course, being not to kill someone in my way. Merry Christmas random person in the wrong place at the wrong time!

Keep in mind, on the 26th, when I'm returning things... better watch out, better not cry, better not pout, i'm telling you why... Monty has a gun and hates lines.

So gifts are crap.

Then there's the family thing. Everyone seems to take the time to go see people they have no real desire to see.

Everyone goes "home for the holidays". And then I hear things like... "I love my family, but I can't stand them." Or my favorite... "I like my family... but only in small doses."

Everyone gets together and then realizes why they don't get together more often. And the visits usually involve going back to a place that you left for a reason. And usually that reason(s) still there. I'm sure that doesn't help.

But here's my favorite bit of holiday crap. The good will towards men nonsense. It's like one day of the year, everyone acts nice. I say act because most people that are only nice for the 25th are only pretending. They'd probably still rather push you down a flight of stairs than hold a door open for you... but because it's Jesus McSavior's birthday... you get a door open. I also like people who bend over backwards discussing how they spent a day volunteering in a soup kitchen or donated $50 to the Red Cross. I like how charity's only need support on the 25th. That's very convenient. Everyone gets their Christmas dinner. I wonder how many volunteers there are on March 3rd. Lucky no one needs help except on Jesus day. (note: there are real volunteers out there that do do that all the time and those people can legitimately feel good about themselves... seriously... good work.)

So... tomorrow is the day.

We'll waste money on thing we don't want and certainly don't need.

We'll spend the time with people we might not even like, and certainly can't be ourselves around.

We'll feel like being kind for 24 hours... but not because we want to be genuine... but because we think we'll feel better about ourselves if we do. Selfish kindness.

We'll listen to music with no meaning or meaning that is substantial and lost.

All because of Jesus' birthday. Jesus. Who was at best a good sleight of hand magician. I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that his birthday is celebrated with acts of pomp, circumstance, trickery, deceit, and general misdirection.

Although I'd rather celebrate Penn & Teller day.

Merry Penn & Teller day everyone.

Posted by Monty at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I hate George Bush.

With every once of my being. There is no hell too vile for that little man.

I'm putting the majority of the legislative democrats into the "hate" pile too. Way to be a bunch of wastes of skin.

Everyone knows that Bush is a zealot who has no respect for the people he governs. (“I will not withdraw even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me” for those that don't know... Barney is his dog and Laura is his cross-eyed wife.)

So the Dems said they were gonna end the war. Good. End it. Let Iraq implode. Seriously. Let a civil war blow itself out. Good good good.

So the Dems... in charge of where the money goes... say we're not going to pay more billions of dollars for this stupid war without a pullout date. Line in the sand time. Bush says no. I veto you. And you don't support the troops. And your budget refusal is going to cost the pentagon a thousand jobs. And now we can't buy armor for troops and they're going to get hurt.

And the Dems backed off. How is it that those people are the most spineless people in the world? Bush is an idiot. He is weak right now. Just attack him. Make him cry. Punch his dog .

If the Iraq budget not going forward causes a bunch of pentagon people to get fired, good. They're serving a crap purpose supporting something the majority of the country doesn't want. Fire them. If you can tell me not paying for a tank is more "not supportive" than being the jackass who keeps people in harms way, I'm all ears... but it's not true. Bush and his idiot supporters are keeping people in harms way. Money is not what determines life or death in Iraq.
So the Dems are wimps. That's bad.

What's worse? They decide to "Stick it" to Bush by putting in 9,800 special interest funding projects in there.

That's great... we couldn't fight off the retard in chief... so we'll just blow taxpayer money to spite him.

That deserves a smack from jesus. I mean really.

Bush had a press conference where he chastised the Dems for spending billions on the 9800 on special interest programs. If I were a Dem, I'd chastize Bush for spending billions on one special interest program. Also... of the 9800 new fundies... how many of them get people killed daily? Just curious.

The Federal government of this country is out of control and has lost focus on reality. If it weren't for the fact that the majority of people in this country are idiots, I'd say it's about time for a revolution... but it isn't. In the nintendo/ADHD/fat mcdonalds/mexifornia/suv/prozac nation that the US has become, there's no hope for intelligent self rule.

If ever in history there were evidence of a god, it was when an massive earthquake and tidal wave struck the pirate haven of Port Royal Jamaica and the whole town was swallowed by the sea... killing all of the inhabitants. One can only hope that there's a similar fate lying in wait for Washington DC... where a den of thieves never thicker could be found.

Seasons Greetings!

Posted by Monty at 5:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
-Mitch Hedberg

Happy/Merry/Feliz [Insert Whatever Holiday the Doctrine You Subscribe to Allows for Here]!

*Please note that if you do not have a seasonal holiday allowed to you, feel free to create one of your own.

So... From me to you, I hope everyone has a Wonderful Saint Bastard's Day.

Posted by Monty at 10:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So, I've been thinking about allowing guest blog features. I know there are a fair number of people out there with things on their minds. If you have a one off-rant or would like to post a semi-regular thread here under your own byline... let me know.

It does not have to be in line with my normal postings or stylings... you could even take up the role of the anti-monty if you so desire.

I'm working out the logistics of it, but if you're interested, give me a shout. Most likely you'll be able to contribute on your own view an interface I give you without any direct coordination from me.

If your work proves to be more popular than mine, I do reserve the right to burn it up or claim it as my own.

Posted by Monty at 6:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We're getting into the time of year that I find myself returning to a few key movies that I enjoy. I tend to like ones that capture something meaningful about the season to me instead of a lot of the traditional holiday hits. I've never considered It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th St to be that special. Not to me anyway. Here's what I usually watch at least once or twice over the December span:

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer - Yes, the old Rankin-Bass claymation thing with Burl Ives as the snowman and Herbie the Elf who wants to be a dentist instead of a toy maker. I think there's a deer in there, but I'm still more fond of Yukon Cornelious... although now everytime I hear Cornelious... I hear it being stuttered by Milla Jovovich in the 5th Element. I've seen it every year in my existance and I plan to do so until my stroke. The Rudolph thing... not the Fifth Element. Although I like that one too.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles - This is probably not one that people associate with the season, but I place it firmly there. Granted, it's mainly a road flick with Steve Martin and John Candy just trying to get home for Thanksgiving... but it captures a lot of the chaos that lurks around the "perfect" holiday. This may be one of the only films I've seen over 20 times that is a lock to make me tear up. Easily the best John Candy movie out there. And... well...

[Candy and Martin lying in a bed very close together waking up]
Candy: Good morning.
Martin: good morning.
[pause as Martin only sees three hands and that Candy is laying almost on top of him]
Martin: Where's your other hand?
Candy: Between two pillows
Martin: Those aren't pillows!

Scrooged - This is the guilty pleasure. It's just Bill Murray being Bill Murray and it's great. Carol Cane as the pugilistic ghost of christmas present will make me laugh until I have my stroke. This is usually my de-stress movie.

A Christmas Story - This is my sacred holiday movie... if ever I had such a thing. Aside from just being a funny, well told story... it reminds me very much of Christmas growing up. It's not a split your pants laugh riot, nor is it the deepest, most thought provoking film since Schindler's List... it's somewhere in the middle... kinda like the majority of people's lives. I think that's the appeal. Plus... it started Mythbusters on their way with the "Does a person's tongue really stick to a frozen flag pole if licked?"

Posted by Monty at 4:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I didn't know whether this should go under Alcamuhall or La$ Vega$. Clearly, both were involved.

This is me picking a fight with, and losing to, a large, headless Stalin.

I should have known better than to fight I giant communist.

Posted by Monty at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I get more spam in my inbox than any adult male should ever get.

Most have the most annoying titles regarding Viagr@ or V1cod1n... but every now and then I get one that catches my eye.

The winner so far today... Potato Explosive.

I was saddened by the fact that I could not, in fact, follow the link to the Russian Porn Emporium and Home Refinance Center and purchase said combustible starches.

That was really a let down.

But on the bright side... I got a movie about midget with bats and low self-esteem and a great rate on a reverse-triple-whammy mortgagen. I think they mispelled it on purpose to look cool.

Posted by Monty at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So yesterday, I went to the Redskins game. I had purchased some tickets quite some time ago. As some folks know, Redskins' safety Sean Taylor was shot and killed in Florida last week. The team decided to do a fan memorial/tribute to Taylor at the stadium this week before the game. Everyone was given a Sean Taylor memorial towel (similar to the ones you see hanging off wide receiver's belts or a quartback's to keep their hands dry). It was a very simple design and I thought well suited. It was a white towel that just had his number (21) in the team colors on it.

You can now find those towels all over ebay... going for about $100 each. These are probably being sold by the people that couldn't keep their mouths shut during the moment of silence.

I'm sure there are people who see nothing wrong with this. I'm of the mindset that people are exploiting someone else's hardship for personal gain. I'm not a fan of that sort of thing.

I've still got my towel. It's in my coat pocket. It's not because I hold any sort of sacred bond to Taylor. He was a good athlete and he will be missed. His death was stupid and pointless. It's in my coat pocket to remind me that anyone (everyone) can be a moment away from a stupid and pointless end. And to make sure you take time to appreciate what you've got while you've got it. That's my #21 towel's message to me.

Some folks got the "Sell me on Ebay for $100!" towels I guess. I think I lucked out on that one.

Posted by Monty at 5:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Why is the pope (Pope Former Nazi the Third) having a go at Enlightenment? I don't mean the turning on of millions of Christmas tree lights... I'm talking about the popular period in western history where people began moving away from the blind religious nonsense and towards Reason. This was back in the late 1700's.

I know that it may still sting the Arch Catholic that over 300 hundred years ago a vast amount of the Roman Catholic Church's clout when down the toilet as people began to question blind obedience. But really... get over it.

The Pope is going on about how atheists are responsible for the majority of moral injustices and violence in the modern world. He also thinks that without belief in god (his in particular, I think) a person cannot have hope. There is nothing for them without hope.

I have hope. I hope the Vatican gets hit with an earthquake. I'd love to see the press release that the church puts out after that one.

Anyway, the Pope thinks atheists are the bane of human existance. I know there are some kids who'd say that Catholic Priests... and the system that protects them are the bane of their existance. I think there are a large swath of jewish peoples in the world that still think back fondly to the church's endorsement of the Nazi final solution program... oh wait... maybe they don't. But that's not real stuff. That's not something that was the church's fault per se. Not like a half dozen or so crusades to rid the holy land of muslims. Those were order by the Pope's themselves. And good for them. Go get rid of the muslims. Noble noble causes. And don't forget to kill a few thousand christians on the way. I know that in theory they're on your team, but whatever... they had some gold and loot and it needed to be taken back to some wealthy aristocracy in Europe... with only a moderate massive tithe going back to Pope Pillager IV. Ya know what, let's have the 4th Crusade not even get to the Holy Land... that's too far. let's tell the peasants that sign up (re conscript at sword-point) that we're going to save baby jesus' bathtub to motivate them when in fact, we're just going to go raid and plunder Italy.

Mecca, Italy... same difference. The italian christians were clearly deemed by god to be smote. Or deemed by Pope Grouchy McTinkle (the first Scottish pope) to not be paying enough tribute to the pope so he decided to use his thugs (crusaders) to sack the place.

Where were the atheists during all this? Probably dead.

I don't know what my point was...

Oh yeah... the Pope is an Idiot.

If his version of hope and salvation are the ones offered by his god... I'm thankful I've been booted out of the club. An eternity of hypocracy doesn't suit me. I'll take my dirt nap and like it.

Posted by Monty at 4:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)