Attention! Attention! Nils is Dead!
Wow... so like... the last post I made here was almost 7 months ago. I wonder where I was and why I never posted anything. It's quite possible that I forgot how to be funny during those months. What a dreadful thought.
Enough on that, let's talk about toilets. Nothing is more fun in the world than a shared toilet.... ya know, the neighboring stalls... the urinals for the boys... maybe a special hat rack or something for the girls. (I have no idea... a girls bathroom could be like Turkish prison for all I know... it's a mystery.) Anyway, people always get extra twitchy when encountering other people the communal room of bodily functions. I think most people would just as soon not have to encounter anyone at all in their comings and goings and goings in the bathroom.
Not me. No. I think it's the perfect time to meet people. And my meet, of course, I mean make jokes around while making others uncomfortable. Fun!
My favorite thing to do to hang out in a stall with a tub of guacamole. Just wait until someone comes along and parks in the stall next to you. Then just drop a healthy dollop of guac on the floor near your new bath friend. You can enhance the effect by uttering "Huh." "Would you look at that." or "My God what just happened?" If you get no reaction, cough and fling down another handful of guacamole.
This a simple one... just yell "Stick 'em up! I'm the hiney bandit and I've come for you!"
Something else you can do to amuse yourself... or do and write on your blog about is to just camp out in there and pop bubble wrap. Just keep doing it at a steady pace... maybe every now and then shout out the name of a former US president.
This next one is for advanced bathroom hijinks. It involves coordinating the replacement of the cannons in the 1812 Overture with flatulation. I suggest this only be tried by pros. Beginners should stick to sitting in the stall and just sing the "When you're driving in your Chevy and feel something heavy... diarrhea!" song. Now that I think about... just sing anything. That's usually enough.
For the musically inclined, you could take an instrument in with you and offer to take requests from anyone. Showtunes are always winners in this situation. Do not, repeat do not use this tactic to try to break into the music business. Warner Bros music did not approve of it at all. Not that I know. Neither did Arista.
Here's a fun one. After your neighbor sits down to join you... make a few grunting noises. Don't sound like you're dying, but demonstrate the effort. After a bit begin verbalizing with a few "ah man"s and "come on!"s. Finally shout "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! and then produce a loud sigh of relief.
Something you can do to make eternal friends is to reach under the partion wall and offer your new friend a cupcake. Please don't use chocolate icing. That's just gross. Sprinkles are essential as will be your winning "thumbs up" if they actually take the cupcake out of your hand. If they don't, feel free to leave it there. In case they change their minds.
If you want to engage your new potty friend, I suggest a round of "Guess What That Was!" Through audio and olfactory clues, you'll try to guess what your opponent ate to produce... well... their current condition. This can be tough... but when in doubt, go Mexican.
Something to consider is what to do if you end up in the middle of two new neighbors at the same time. Under no circumstances should you ignore one in favor of the other. While you entertain to your left, offer the patron to you right a coloring book or a rubic's cube to pass the time. One day you may be able to develop the skills to get a game of Uno going between the three of you.
A final word of warning. Don't do this if your boss comes in the bathroom. Not only will they not find it funny, but they might actually think you're not a good "fit" for the company and ask you to "take the show on the road". Also, don't perform these stunts with HR people nearby, they often call EMTs or psychiatric people and that ruins everything.