Drink Rum

This post is part of a series prompted by the rediscovery of some old college radio show tapes. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

No comprende it's a riddle.

Circa 1991-1992 I was an unambitious teen with a mediocre school career and a social life that would have even looked sad for a Jon Cussack character driven film. I spent my days in school doing my best to stay awake and my evenings working at the local fast foodery slinging burgers and generally pretending to care about the general well being of the customers and their highly sought after carbohydrates. I usually worked behind the scenes in the grill area. That kept my interaction with the huddles masses yearning to breathe fat to a minimum and also it allowed for prime co-worker heckling. It was a good gig. I actually enjoyed cooking. In the early days, I was trained in the ways of cooking and romance by two brothers (literally and figuratively) named Eddie and Wendell. The best way to describe what that was like would be to imagine being exposed to the same situation with Eddie and Charlie Murphy. In order to get promoted to a trainer, I had to learn how to do drive thru. Eddie recommended doing it because it got you an extra dollar and hour and access to all the new ladies at work. The money sounded good. Drive thru did not.

I hear the talking of the DJ... can't understand just what does he say.

I think it was Tina who was responsible for handing me my first headset, and between her and Christy they trained me in how to operate the microphone-to-clownhead interface to get orders into the machinery and get the meat process sizzling. It was a Saturday around lunch time and I think the entire state of North Carolina came to the drive thru. I was, of course, in Virginia but all of the people I saw that day were angry and en route to another state. You may think I made that up, but at the time the McDonalds I worked in was like the 4th busiest on the east coast and the busiest in the state. It was a bit silly. So I was working in station #1. My job was to greet you, get your order, tell you to pull forward. While you'd tell me your order, I'd input it into one register that'd start the order process at station #2 and queue the order on a second register at my station. That way I could be taking an order on register #1 and taking money/processing a previous order on register #2. They you'd pull forward to station #2 where someone else was making you your food. After you left station #1, you weren't my problem so your car could burst into flames and green aliens steal your hubcaps for all I cared.

Simple right.

Car #1- bbbbzt (it makes a little sound in the headset to let you know when a new car comes)

Me- Hi, I'm Mcdonalds. Can fpphp you something pfffffphpt a happy meal?

Car #1 - I want (list of non funny things)

Me- OK, pull ahead. CRAP! Oh your total is $5.97

Car #2 - bbbbzt HELLO!?!

Me- Hi this is McDonalds, I'll be right pffffffffft pfffffffffffft.

Car #2 - I want a large mcnugget and fries.

Car #1 (at window) - I need to change my order to a whopper with cheese

Me- This is mcdonalds we don't sell those.

Car #2 - DID YOU HEAR ME?!

Car #3 - *HORN BLARES*

Me - deaf

Car #1 Oh crap, I don't have a wallet, nevermind. (drives off)

It goes on like that until I have a panic attack and lock myself in the freezer. That day I was also accused of being a racist for not giving a black guy free french fries. A sympathetic customer once said, "Son, don't let the technology beat you."

That night I went home and had nightmares about cars, speakers, french fries, and cash handling procedures. Fortunately I didn't have to go back to work for a week. My god, don't ever put me back in drive thru again.

I wish I was in Tijuana, eating barbequed iguana.

Next Saturday, I walk into work apron in hand and ready to take my place leading the grill team during the upcoming lunch rush. I was pleased to see we already had 4 people in the area so we'd be well staffed to go mad fast on burger flipping. That's when the manager pulled me aside and said there'd been a change in the schedule and I'd be taking booth 1 in drive thru for the day. Apparently I did such a great job last week, I'd earned the spot again. Great job? My cash drawer was short the GNP of Argentina, 12 customers left without their food, there was a car fire and I swear at least one person fired a gun at me. No amount of threatening to kill everyone in the establishment would get me out of it, so I was stuck.

In school I was in the middle of theater rehearsal for a play. I was playing a character who had a rather slimy manner about him and was supposed to be a rather slick LA agent type guy. I'd given him a voice not unlike the worst DJ you could ever imagine. The character was all ego, no brains. His name was Blake Stanford. I decided that that Saturday, Blake Stanford was working drive thru. Hopefully it would be so disruptive that they'd pull me from drive thru and I'd never have to do it again... but also not so over the top that I'd get fired.

It'd be suuuuuper.

Here's how it went:

Car #1 - bzzzzt Hello?

Me: Goooooooooooooooooooooood afternoon and welcome to the finest Mcdonald's in the western united states. Can I interest you in a Big Mac, a McDLT, or a Filet-O-Fish? I hear they're Filet-O-Fan-Tastic!

Car #1 - what?

Me: Heh, heh, riiiight. What sort of consumable goodness can I put in a paper bag for you today?

Car #1 - um. (long pause) Can I get a #2 with a Coke?

Me: HEY! that sounds suuuuuper! Would you like to try one of our awesomolicious apple pies or an ice cream cone hand twisted by the finest twisters from Illinios?

Car #1 - ok.

Me: I'll put you down for one of each, does that sound fabulous?

Car #1 - um... yes.

Me: Alrighty, I've got a big, bad #2 with a cokity-coke-coke and pair of lovely desserts, one cold and wet, one warm and cripsy... that brings your jump up and sit back down total to $5.85. Kick that car in drive and bring your bad self up to window 1 and have your jumpin jack cash ready to change hands.

Car #1 - do I pull up now?

Me: Only if you really want to.

Car #1 - I do.

Me: That's great!

I was never going to have to work drive through ever again. Through out this whole thing I'm hearing the people in station 2 on their headsets laughing and telling me I'm going to get in trouble. I replied, "I know." I knew my demotion was at hand when a red-faced manager popped in my work area and demanded to see me as soon as I went on break. Perfectamundo.

Giselle was her name, my manager. She told be she'd heard from several employees that I was goofing around in the drive thru and playing games with the customers. I said, yeah... I guess I should probably go back to the grill, huh? I grabbed my apron and started out of the office.

"No. I've got 7 comments from drive thru customers about how much they enjoyed the "comedy" of the order taker and it made an otherwise boring process for them entertaining. Two people said you were the best drive thru voice they'd heard and one guy left his business card for a radio station he manages wanting you to come by to audition for a job. I don't know what you're doing back there, but keep it up, the customers like it."

Crap.

Wait a guy left a card wanting me to come be a DJ? Wow. That sounds much better than working fast food.

[Please note: This is all true.]