Drink Rum

Happy miserable Friday peeps.

I'm dead tired... been one of those weeks. I'm walking around the office with one eye closed, half asleep and barely thinking... even less than usual. The only thing keeping me awake are a steady stream of tasks and cranking the iTunes. Currently, I've got my "Wake Up!" playlist going. We're on the Flash Gordon theme song right now.

It works pretty well. It's hard to sleep when Freddy Mercury is screaming, "FLASH! AH-AH!" in my ear.

I've commented on the disgusting nature of shared office spaces before I think, but I can't resist doing it again. Yes, I know... I should be working on part II of the Mexican Radio thing... but that seems to require more brain power than I can muster. Next week, I promise.

So, sharing bathrooms is gross. (Yeah, we're going there already.)

I went in the one men's restroom on the floor and apparently it was rush hour at the biscuit barrels. Our potty palace has three stalls and two urinals. I think there are also some sinks and a towel. Urinal #1 is about 3 inches off the floor, labeled "Buddy's First Pee" and made by Fischer Price. Urinal #2 seems normal enough until you go to flush it and an action I've dubbed the Tidy Bowl Tide Wave occurs and water comes flying out of the urinal bowl in every general direction. If I was a leprechaun I could have used it as my own little smelly water park.

That's not a big deal really. I've perfected a "flush and jump" manuever that works pretty well.

But today when I open the door to the restroom, I was punch in the face by the worst smell known to man. If my life were a cartoon, a giant brown fist shaped cloud would have been seen punching me in the face and knocking me on my back with little "x"s over my eyes and my tongue out to one side. Although I must admit the idea of my tongue being out near the foul air leaves me feeling pyucky.

All three stall were locked and loaded with folks producing the most foulest of fouls. I think they were actually proud of their feat. Maybe they met there each day in a coordinated sort of bathroom rehearsal process of grossitude.

I realized there was no way that I was going in there. Once I regained sight (the smell was blinding), someone in stall #2 let forth unto the world what I can only call "Shiva - Destroyer of Worlds". Stalls #1 and #3 contributed minor followers to Shiva and I almost passed out. I shuddered and said loudly, "Oh my God, what's wrong with you people? What did you eat?"

Someone replied with a "huh?" but they were rhetorical questions really. I knew what was wrong with them and didn't care what they ate.

The sad thing is... I still have to make water and I'm afraid to go back in there. It's like the 'Nam. It left scars, man. Scars.

Never get off the boat.

Posted by Monty at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm very tired.

I'm sitting at my vendor booth.

I'm very tired.

I met the governors of Maryland and Iowa last night. They did not find my impression of Shemp from the Three Stooges half as funny as the busboy.

Posted by Monty at 8:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I'm in Philadelphia for work.

I've been MIA for a bit because I've been working so hard on getting this new web site ready for launch. It's being announced tomorrow by our CEO at this convention.

Interestingly... I took a train here. Which reminded me that in the movie Trading Places, Eddie Murphy and Dan Ackroyd took a train to New York from Philadelphia. I just walked past a couple of places that looked familiar from the movie. Al Franken played a baggage handler in the movie. I will have the opportunity to meet Al Franken on Sunday. This conference is a pretty big deal in the political world apparently. We've got about 17 people running for a federal office speaking, Sen John Edwards is speaking, Al Frankin is speaking, Arlen Spectre is speaking, Gov Rendell is speaking... Obama is speaking via a video tape. Nancy Pelosi is speaking via video tape (ew). Sorry. She bugs me.

Oh. And I'm speaking.

How did I go from bored web guy to speaking to the same audience as Al Frankin and John Edwards? I was our acting director last week.

At least I got a hair cut.

Also, the train station in Philly is the same one used in the Fisher King... I love that movie.

I made the mistake of wearing a Yankees jersey here. I've been yelled at twice.

The train was fun.

I'm sleepy.

More to follow. I ate a free donut and bottled water. I'm living the dream!

Posted by Monty at 2:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So, as you may know... I'm getting my leg chopped up in a few days. Tomorrow is my last day at work before what will likely be a month out of the office. I notified the work factory about this five weeks ago... ample time to plan. So we planned.

Then I got sick with bronchitis and missed most of last week.

So this week... everyone's in a panic.

What's actually funny is that I'm going to end up getting everything done in the four days I'm here this week. Basically, I'm doing 4 weeks worth of work in 4 days. And I'm enjoying it.

I think I should use this to my advantage. I should only work one week a month.

In the old days at the White House, I had a boss who told me I'd be in for a real eye opener when I left because apparently I could be equally successful with only exerting 25% of the effort.

He was right!

I don't know what to do with piles of time and relaxedness. Nope. But put me in a crash/crunch and I'm off to the races.

So I'm going to take the next month off. Get a new leg. Maybe be back in April.

I'll probably post here more frequently since I'll have some serious time on my hands. The first few posts may just be something like

"owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww my leg!!!!"

or

"drugs... awesome"

or

"how does an idiot become a police man?"
(that is my private moustache!")

or

"today, i watched seventeen episodes of The Facts of Life and Mindy is looking sexier every minute"

Five days left with a right leg.

Posted by Monty at 1:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Upon my return home this weekend, I had a lovely form letter in my mailbox.

It was from the Office of Personnel Management. It said that I had been considered for the vacancy I applied for but that the position opening had been canceled. This, of course. is code for "the job was given to a political appointee".

The job in question was for the government management position for the White House internet operations. It's the job I've been trying unsuccessfully to get for almost 6 years. This was my third and final, failed attempt to do so.

I got a call last week from the program manager on the contractor side of the White House wanting me to come back and take up my old job where I left off. I haven't called him back. I don't know if I will.

Actually, if I call him, it'll only be to tell him no.

My career at the White House and any further desire to work there is over. I had six very good years there. I believe my thoughts and ideas were put to good use and my team and I built something amazing. The year after that was the begining of the end. Ideas weren't what people were looking for, it became a "yes man" only environment. My final two years were a nightmare. I was under more stress than any one person should deal with and the job I was doing made me sick to my stomach. I only stayed as long as I did because I was hoping to move into the government spot that I was denied.

It's a bit sad to have strived for a goal, or in this case a position, and fail. Whether or not that is better off for me in the long run is a good question, but it was my goal and I certainly missed it. Where I am now, I have no goals. Neither does the organization though. I guess I need to figure out what I really want to do I suppose.

I keep coming back to the thought that I peaked professionally at 30. Since then I've just been drifting and not accomplishing anything.

I'm once again giving serious thought to selling all of my assets and buying a boat and becoming a caribbean boat tour guide type person.

or a pirate.

Posted by Monty at 10:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This is a sad note.

Today is the last day of work for two people at my job. Coincidently, they both happen to be the two people that I can relate to most on the job. I don't know what I'll do to fill my non-productive time.

The network engineer has already gone. Our goodbye went as below:

Network Engineer: "A$$hole."
Monty: "Your mama."

That was that.

The marketing director's goodbye will be later. I've told her she can't leave until she cleans out her office because I'm planning on annexing it. I've even got a flag and everything.

Posted by Monty at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Nah... just me baby.

So... once again... only a couple of hours of sleep. I don't oversleep anymore because Eva knows that alarm clocks mean playtime and she ponces on my head with glee. She's a delightful 50 pounds and her claws aren't dull.

I literally walked in the door and into a presentation I had to do for the CEO and exec staff. I didn't know what time the meeting was and guess I got lucky. The presentation went well until someone noticed that the we'd advertised this new online service as being available today. We were planning on launching tomorrow. I said I could get it done in 2 hours.

Why, oh why did I say that?

I don't have time to lose... I'll let you know how it goes.

Time to light this candle

Posted by Monty at 12:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today, I'm on fire at work. I did not get a good night's sleep, but I bailed on trying to force it and went to work early. Work has been hectic due to a knee jerk reaction that launched a project and the leadership has set sail. For some reason, possibly due to conditioning, I'm on fire today... in a good way.

I spent the morning rewriting an app that someone else should have done, but I didn't have time to wait on them. I'm at the bottom rung on the positional ladder here, but somehow found myself coordinating the project today. Nature abhores a vaccuum and I abhore a vaccuum of leadership. I think that the Pythagorean Theorum states that Nature also abhores me if the previous is true. I dunno.

Anyway, I think my entire success in the professional world has stemmed from seeing a waste of skin in a leadership postion and then telling them to get out of the way so I can do it. I started out as an intern, then went to graphics punk, then team leader, then project manager, then division manager, then down to product manager. The move from division to product actually helped me out... since now I don't have to appear before anyone and explain where Karl Rove's e-mail went. Eventually I hit a road block in the compentency path and left. Once the decision was made to make stupid status quo, I quit.

But anyway... today has been a blur but for the first time in a while I actually feel like I got something accomplished. Initial presentation today was a home run, I'll be probably coding through the night on a revision and then a CEO presentation tomorrow. We'll (against my wishes) launch Friday and then I can go downtown for Happy Hour.

Also... career advice... if a VP is late for a meeting, it's not the best idea to say, "Thanks for joining us, we were just about to send out a search party for you." I got a get out of jail free card today though... I finished all of the stuff they needed done, plus did some things they hadn't thought of to make it better. I probably could have done the presentation in my underwear and gotten away with it. I did do a few shadow puppets with the projector while we waited for all of the attendees to show up. My best one is the standard bird thing flapping away... but to have a open coffee creamer palmed (sleight of hand skill finally pays off in the corporate world) that can be used to make the bird poo.

I'm so getting fired.

Posted by Monty at 2:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So since 2003 or 2004, my career has been on a slowly sliding downward slope. My last years at the White House were pitiful. The days that I mentally showed up for work I would just get kicked around by assorted ass hats. Most of the time, I'd just show up and collect a heavy paycheck.

As regulars know, eventually I just got fed up and quit. I did contract proposal work for a couple months but that was even more moronic.

Then my health went to crap.

At the moment I'm just idling in my current spot trying to figure out what to do. The money where I am isn't sufficient to keep me happy in the long term and there's no real growth potential at all. In the meantime, though, it's not mentally demanding so aside from occassional boredom, it's not terrible.

I should really figure out what I want to do in life and do it. I'd hate to think that I peaked professionally in 2001. Bleh.

Kerie, on the other hand, is steadily moving up. She just finished her first of three semesters for her CDA. She put in a lot of work and got herself a well deserved A. She's also getting a raise and a positional promotion to supervisor. On top of all of that, she's being transferred to the location 3 miles from the house. You can't beat a five minute commute.

So she's movin' on up.

Also... the deck and fence plan was approved by the ACC/HOA today. Tomorrow I can Tony and we'll get construction scheduled.

Still looking for a party at the end of the month.

Posted by Monty at 12:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

All roads in Boston lead into each other. It's a proven fact. I've never seen a city with a more randomly set up traffic structure. People think DC is crazy, try Boston some time. I swear there's probably a place there where four one-way streets empty into a vacant lot with no exit.

I sat down in my uber comfy first class seat on United's happy Airbus 320. I like the Airbus line. Yes, I know they're UK/French/German built, but they're better than flying on most of the 7x7 Boeing birds these days. Being in first class I got to get on first. While this looks like a great deal to the masses standing around waiting to get on a plane, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. You get boarded at the same time as children without parents, parents without legs, or the oldest people ever. On my flight there were several people who probably taking the flight to remember they day they saw the Wright Brothers fly.

I was automatically the bane of first class seating. I'd never flown up there before, so I was being annoying... according to the guy sitting next to me. I don't think hopping up and down in my seat while chanting, "free drinks please, free drinks please!" was annoying. Several children passing into coach thought it was great. I heard several of them mimicking me in the back later in the flight.

One of the reasons it takes so long to board a plane is because of all the froo-froo stuff going on in first class. They stopped the boarding to serve us orange juice, water, or coffee before flight. I asked for orange juice and some vodka. They gave it to me along with a nice, non-licey pillow, and a towel styled blanket. I pretended to fall asleep and feigned loud snoring. I told the guy next to me that I was just kidding around and didn't snore like that. I told him the only thing he had to fear was my explosive gas... but that only bothered me when I was drunk. I think took a swig of vodka and laughed.

The guy buried his head in a magazine about Mens Health or something.

The plane taxied and then stopped. We were delayed 40 minutes due to immigrants. Saturdays along the Northeast Coast from Washington DC, New York, to Boston are immigrant central. Tons of international flights filled with the tired, unwashed masses yearning to breathe free and eat a McWhopper were filling the skys. We had to wait until some of them landed.

The flight was short and uneventful. I listened to the cockpit channel on the radio device and was entertained by that.

Nothing eventful happened at the airport.

We then took a $30 cab ride from the airport to the hotel. The distance was under 4 miles, but we had to pay to use a tunnel and a bean tax or something.

The hotel was nice. Sheraton Boston. Tired and hungry I went off and got some food. Kalifornia Pizza Hut. I got a pizza with a sausage on it or something. It was ok.

I decided to head over to the convention center to register. The conference had a bus service set up to go back and forth every 15 minutes. Our bus driver was new (I'm not lying) to Boston and got lost. We took a very nice long bus tour of the city. We went around the convention building twice before the drive finally admitted he was lost and we could all get out and walk or drive around lost for another hour. We all got out. The traffic in Boston is silly. There's not much volume. Lots of pedestrians... all of which jaywalk and slow things down. The roads are all narrow and intersected randomly.

We walked to the massive convention center and signed in. We got loot bags and badges. We were like IT sheriffs.

I then got bored and left.

It turns out that I missed a special celebrity guest... Chloe O'Brien from 24 was there to talk about IT and security.

Microsoft having a fictional character come talk about IT and security seemed somewhat fitting.

I was bummed that I didn't get to meet Chloe though. I watched 24 (but not this season, so shhhhh) and liked her character. She's kinda sexy in a wierd girl sorta way.

I went to bed early. I had to be up early the next day for the real start of the conference.

Posted by Monty at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So now I can say that I've been to Boston.

Here's my official report of the trip. Or at least part of it. I could get bored with the topic and take a nap.

We'll see.

My wife drove me to the airport early Sunday afternoon. Dulles was in the process of deporting thousands of immigrants so the security lines were a zoo. Due to a technical screw up on my part, I was flying to Boston in the First Class cabin. At the United check in counter they treated me very well. First class had no line and a non-surly check-in person.

I made my way to the security line and tried in vain to find the first class passenger security line. I'm sure it was around there somewhere. I tried to cut in line a few times. I just held up my ticket and said, "First Class... comin' through. Outta the way riff-raff." Sadly, no one moved.

In line behind me were a a group of people from New York or New Jersey who couldn't get the concept of personal space. The lady behind me would bump into me everytime I moved forward a step in line. Finally, I turned around to yell at her and was confronted by a 60ish lady (who had surgically taken a few parts of her face back to her 40s) with the largest glasses I'd ever seen. "Jesus!" I said as I turned to her. Her glasses were one step smaller than those gimmick glasses that clowns use. I didn't know what to do. I suddenly thought that this crazy lady had vision problems and was bumping into me because of that.

"Get the line movin up there, fella." said Blind Betty's equally old and crusty friend.

"What?"

"I have to keep pushing you to keep you moving." said Blind Betty.

I guess the fact that I was leaving a healthy foot or two between me and the person in front of me was bothering these old people and so they were just pushing me.

I just turned around and decided to let it go. Until she bumped into me again.

"If you bump into me one more time I'll yell 'rape'".

The ladies' jaws hit the floor and they started gasping like fish on ground. Then an old dude in golf pants tried to be a hero.

"You can't talk to my wife like that."

"Well you can't get a hard on without viagra... so now we're even." I don't know why I said that last part, but it seemed logical at the time.

The bumping stopped.

About twenty minutes later, the group of old people tried to cut in the security line by moving into the handicap access area and then pretending they didn't know they made a wrong turn.

But I told on them and the TSA guy made them go to the back of the line.

They glared at me as they walked by headed for the rear, but I just mouthed the words "rape" and "viagra" at them. I stuck my tongue out once for emphasis.

It took 90 minutes to get through security. Luckily the old, bitter New Jorkers (Jersey/York, who cares) made the time fly by.

Then I flew to Boston, went to a conference, came home, the end.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Posted by Monty at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The Microsoft seminar continues. The I won a contest and the hot chick in the wet suit gave a free thumb drive. Thumb drives are awesome and all but the interaction with hot chick was a positive boon.

I also hit the lottery on t-shirts. EMC was handing them out if you listened to a 5 minute briefing on why saving e-mail whas import and how they had a solution. I got 2 shirts from them. And a USB dongle.... a 4 port USB replicator.

I've got more software than I know what to do with.

I've basically got the advanced beta suite for all of the Microsoft Office / SharePoint 2007. Some of it looks pretty cool. Sharepoint 2007 looks great. I think I'm going to replace an intranet with it.

Microsoft Powershell is pretty cool too. Basically it's a shell tool that's basically a Windows version of BASH. It runs very nicely with windows objects.

Vendors are fun. I'm in a drawing for a $25k home theater system. If I win it, I'm going to trade it to a builder for a deck and patio.

I'm drinking coffee again. Free Starbucks is too good to pass up. Plus, by the end of the day the seminars are sleepy time unless I caffinate up.

Pretty cool stuff. I'll post more over the rest of the week.

Posted by Monty at 7:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm not sure what they were selling, but I bought 17 of them.

Hot chicks in in wet suits are the best sales people ever. And I'm not talking hot like "whoa she's hot"... I'm talking hot like your groin explodes hot.

As a general rule, the expo/vendor floor is full of hot chicks.

And wierd pokyman-nintendo looking characters.

So I bought 17 enterprise content management systems and pushed a pokyman down.

I should get some pictures.

Of pokymans of course.

Posted by Monty at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Greetings from sunny and comfortable Boston.

This entry is coming to your courtesy of Microsoft and their TechEd Seminar/Convention.

Things I've learned so far...

1) Their evaluation (rate the sessions) server died. Apparently giving away xbox 360s to people for filling out surveys worked a real treat. I still haven't won one yet... but I'm evaluating the hell out of everything.

2) Tomorrow (tuesday) is the largest patch in microsoft history. Take cover arizona.

3) Traveling for free is fun.

That's it for now. Lunch is calling. After that I'm hitting the vendor floor. Nvidia is here and they've brought gifts.

Posted by Monty at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Big shout out to my wife who completed her first day at her new job yesterday.

After quitting her horrible job early last fall, she'd been spending most of her time helping me get back on my feet (literally). Now that I'm mobile (the power of Vicodin propels me, the power of Vicodin propels me!), she's found a job in a better environment.

It doesn't hurt that it pays about 15% more than her old job either.

Go, wife, go!

Also, Andrew, re: new hosts on the poker show... Danny boy would be cool, but I think Gabe Kaplan should get the spot... but then again he's already doing that job on the Game Show Networks high stakes poker show (which Danny boy plays on). Kaplan is pretty sharp on card chatter and has a dry sense of humor that works for commentary.

Posted by Monty at 9:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So the new job is sending me on a field trip this summer.

I'm going to Boston for a week in June to see what Microsoft is going to unleash on the world in 2007. I've never been a big Microsoft fan, but I can't argue with a week in Boston on the company dime.

It's kinda funny. I spend nine years doing everything I can do to keep a big fancy web site on line and running smoothly and I got crapped on regularly.

I shift gears to a much smaller scale company that actually believes in people and wants to grow them versus burn through them and now I'm getting free trips... what a difference.

Continue reading "I Get a Free Field Trip" »

Posted by Monty at 9:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So day one is going ok at the new job. I have a lot of learning to do to get some rust off my technical skills. I really haven't done any serious IT development work in five years... it's all been project management.

It's kinda cool here so far. I seem to be very popular. I've been paraded through several directors' and VPs' offices to do meet and greets and everyone seems to be happy that I'm here. That usually means one of several things... either there's an buttload of work that I'll be taking off their plates, they're insane, or they're generally happy to see me.

It'll be interesting to see how this works out. The first couple of weeks I imagine will be all getting to know the world and such. After that, though I should have a good idea about what the life's like.

Good or bad, there's a paycheck at the end of the day.

Also, I arrived 30 minutes early today because there was no traffic.

Posted by Monty at 11:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yesterday was the first time in nine years that I didn't have to work on the State of the Union.

I just chilled in the shack.

That was nice.

I do like not being associated with the White House these days.

I don't have much else on that...

Posted by Monty at 11:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Got a call from another HR person... this time for a video game company. Specifically, video games on demand. They're partnered with some big names it the industry... it seems that their big claim to fame is the yahoo games line.

Good news... working for a video tech company... actually the reason I got into IT so many years ago. Bad news... tough commute. About a 45 minute drive without any traffic to get from here to there (in Maryland).

We'll see. The job looks good and I think I'd like the work. The drive would be pretty damn tough and I'm seriously looking to never do that again.

I'm going to do a phone interview and keep options open.

Last week... no leads on anything... this week... in the queue for four jobs with three companies.

When it rains it pours.

Posted by Monty at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well... hold the phone on moving away.

The bank called back today requesting authorization to start a background check. They wouldn't do that if they didn't have some interest.

Also, got a call from AOL, a recruiter with HR regarding TWO positions. I'd submitted my application for them some time ago via my personal AOL recruiter (my brother-in-law). I'd forgotten what I'd specifically applied for... but I still did well on the phone interview. He's sending his recommendation to move forward with the process... so hopefully an interview or two with the hiring manager.

Also, apparently AOL was supposed to have contacted me some time ago... but something broke I guess. Anyway... I've been down this road with AOL before. I'm not going to get myself all jazzed yet.

So the good news... the really good news is that this is happening at the same time. It helps to go into an interview with other interviews scheduled... an old saying in the hiring world that my favorite boss in the world told me once is, "you're only worth to us what another company is willing to pay you". It's a kinda harsh statement... but it's true. That's why people always want salary histories, etc. If someone is paying you $70k, you must be worth it or they wouldn't pay it. Hell, I got caught in the middle of a bidding war once between Northrop Grumman and UUNet for my services. My former boss went to UUNet and wanted to take me along. My new Northrop boss was determined to keep me in place. I didn't start the war either... I got an offer from UUNet, it was good and I accepted. Northrop gave me a verbal counter, and I said no thank you.. I wasn't interested in playing around with bids and counter bids. The UUNet guys asked me if I'd received a counter offer, and I said yeah, and before I said a word, they said we'll match it plus 10%.

pause

I said ok, to that.

They day before I was to leave Northrop for good. My program manager and the govt director asked me into the conference room and they gave me the world. New position, govt backing/support for projects, visibility, and a massive raise... like 50% and a cash bonus.

I stayed with Northrop.

For the record, the money was great, but the govt/support and visibility within the contract was amazing. My career took off. I had the best team, was peered with senior govt people, given a blank check for software/hardware and given serious support from the govt directors to take on the political staff that were making lives miserable. One political appointee, who loved to antagonize me and my team, had her computer removed from the network and told she couldn't speak to anyone in our department.

When it was time for Northrop to rebid the contract, I was part of the proposal team. I was responsible for the enitre application supprt and dev group. It was huge. I was scuplting a great workplace.

But Northrop lost the fight.

New govt directors had come in and were under a "bend over to the politicos" policy. Northrop was out. Unisys was in.

I lost my visibility, I lost my support, and I lost half my team in the transition.

My claim to fame was that I was the only person in a management role to be hired by Unisys. They fired the rest of the Northrop management team.

The next two years I spent collecting a paycheck until I finally gave up.

That was a strange story. Anyway... it just got me thinking about the salad days at the White House. I had a great team, great boss, and great client. It's been a long time since I've had that. It's been three years since I've had any of that actually.

Carry on.

Posted by Monty at 12:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)