Drink Rum

So this weekend... I spent the majority of the awake portions in Baltimore, Maryland. Or as I like to call it, Craptown USA. I made a comment as I saw the city from a distance... "Baltimore wouldn't be so bad if they'd just disinfect it and get rid of all the people."

It's true.

Baltimore smells like old butt and dead vermin.

But I digress.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I had the pleasure of watching the Baltimore Dirty Birds get trounced by the New York Yankees. Fortunately, I am a recently converted Yankees fan so the experience was pleasing.

The last time I went to a game a few months ago, I had no idea what was going on. There were people on a field. A round white dot got smacked around by a dude with a stick. Seemed like a lot of hooey to me.

Now, I'm a baseball fan and can pretend to know what's going on well enough to handle myself in smack talking. There's a magic banter that baseball people seem to like. I'm pretty good at smack talk whether I know what I'm talking about though... here's an example:

Monty several months ago

Baltimoron: Hey your Yankees suck!
Monty: Your father molests poodles.

Monty this weekend

Baltimoron: Yankees fans are the most ignorant people in baseball!
Monty: Isn't your team in last place?

Anyway.

So now I'm all into the game... but I'm extremely pleased that football season is a mere week and half away. Pinstripes and snazzy caps are all well and good, but it's time to don the burgundy and gold.

In getting in and out of Zeus' Butthole (a charming, jaundice-inducing section Blahtimore) I had a fair amount of time to read annoying people's bumper stickers. I've decided I'm going to create my own and sell them. My first bumper sticker will simply say: "My Stupid Opinion". I'm also working on a better version of the Jesus of the Trunk fish that I see all the time. Mine would have the little jesus fish, but sneaking up behind it, preparing to swallow it would be a big shark with the word "truth" inside it.

The moral of the story (there was a story?) is... Baltimore is still gross, bumper stickers are stupid- so own that, there's always a bigger fish, and truth trumps the trunk trinkets.

Posted by Monty at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Monty at 6:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So...

Driving in Washington, I've seen many strange things. Usually they're either governmenty or idiot related. Today was strange and somehow fit neither category.

So I'm driving down Constitution Avenue and am sitting at a stoplight and see a lot of flashing lights coming my way. I don't think much of it. Motorcades are common in DC. Except this one is going very slowly. Lights and slow. Very strange.

So as it's coming towards me I see that the police are escorting a white van with what looks like a large black ball behind it. It's about 15-20 feet in diameter. What the hell is it though? I thought maybe it was nuclear waste or something.

No... it was Eddie Murphy's head. It was a giant sculpture of Eddie Murphy's head on the back of a flatbed truck. I was too floored to take a picture with my camera phone. There it was... big Eddie Murphy head driving down the street.

It was a very good likeness too.

I have no idea what the point of it was. Maybe there's a new monument to formerly funny comedians who have flushed their talent down the toilet in order to make films they can watch with their children.

Posted by Monty at 9:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now that I'm working in Washington again, I'm seeing more than my fair share of road related crap. Friday was no exception.

In the morning, I was multitasking and doing a conference call during the commute. The time that I go into work puts me on the road after rush hour, but can require that I work while I drive. It works pretty well since my commute is only 50 minutes vs close to 2 hours if I had to go in like regular jerks. Anyway...

I was driving along and I saw an odd looking convertible on the road ahead of me. It was not a standard body shape of an normal car and it was goofy baby blue color. I got a little closer and noticed the Alpha Romeo logo. I am constantly, but no longer surprised by people who purchase insanely expensive cars in horrible colors. A baby blue sports cars is just silly. The baby blue book value on this thing was $100-$200k depending on the year. I'm going to guess, though, that all of the "Obama 4 Prez!" bumperstickers lowered the value somewhat.

Nothing says "brilliant" better than $10 worth of bumperstickers dropping $50k off of the value or your over-priced, ugly car.

On the way home, I saw another bit of highway madness.

It looked to be a 1988 Dodge Caravan that someone had invested about $700 in "tricking it out".

It was also blue... baby blue. But at some point it was full grown, adult blue... but 20 years of sun fading had changed the color. Gross.

So, dudeman the driver... had his caravan lowered, had some of those little mini-tires like from a go-cart, and put on some spinners. Well... spinners on a couple of the wheels. There was also the preverbial spoiler on the back... mounted to the tailgate... no where near the airflow.

I usually see this sort of low-rent crap car customization on old Honda CRXs or Datsun 210s. Now I know what these wonderful people do when they get married and have kids and need to get their future little gangsters to school.

Posted by Monty at 12:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Strange but true... the pitching coach for the Cincinnatti Red's name is Dick Pole.

You heard it here first.

Posted by Monty at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

OK ladies... here's some helpful information from your fashionista Monty.

I know nothing about fashion.

I don't.

I do know this.

If you can't walk in high heels, don't wear high heels.

There is no benefit provided by faux height or calve definition that isn't obliterated by the teetering and tootering of wobbly woobly ankles.

I was at the mall this weekend... miserable for that very reason. I saw a gal walk by and said to myself, "Self! She looks interestingly tall and perhaps her legs look leaner or something. It's a shame she appears to be suffering from Parkinsons Disease when she walks."

This lady need a spotter.

She was so unskilled at the tall shoe that she really looked like she was about to eat it at any second. She was trying hard to make it work. Face forward, arms down... ankles bending hither and yon. Trying to act like she was doing it on purpose. All the LA models look like they're having a seizure.

Don't fall for the hype. Don't fall off your shoes.

Posted by Monty at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hi.

People who read this thing daily have noticed that over the past few weeks I have been silent. People who know me know that that is not in my nature. Before I go my big rant about white trash, I'd like to throw out the following nuggets for your mental digestion:

1-My knee is within 5 degrees of getting full range of motion back. That's amazing. My leg is still weak as hell, but that comes with time and exercise. My surgeon has pulled the plug on my physical therapy and recommends going to pool & gym. I said ok.

2-I start a new job next week. I quit my current one because I was equal parts bored, bitter, confused, and perplexed. My new job has several big things going for it: 20% more money, my own office, flexible hours, good location within DC, it's not a bunch of nazis running it, the job speaks to what I do best. The downside is that I'm going to double (at least) my commute. But... they're flexible on time I need to be there (I was told "be in no later than 11am"). They're of the mindset that if things are getting done, they don't care where you sit. Although it'll be nice to actually have my own fancy new office.

So those are the big things.

White trash.

Why does the collective white trash (and often their international cousins "las basura blanca") think that adding a spoiler to their beater of a car make it look awesome?

Yesterday, en route to Dr. Bendisnap, I was at a stoplight where to my left a gentleman attired in a sweat brown shirt and NASCAR hat was driving and 1985 Ford F-150 or sumsuch thing. The truck was clearly used in a capacity involving driving in the mud and grime. On the rear of his beast, he had affixed a brand new spoiler. It ran up on two fins astride the tailgate and connected horizontally across the top. If ever there were a visual image of lipstick on a pig... aside from actually putting lipstick on a pig... this were it.

"That's the most retarded thing I've ever seen" I thought to myself.

I looked to the other side on my and saw a gentleman who I shall call Fernando who was driving a 1924 Nissan Stanza. Fernando was from El Salvador and loved his Jesus. I determined this by the flag hanging from his rear view mirror and one of the barely decipherable stickers on his primer colored trunk. I didn't know if he loved Jesus of bible lore or perhaps he loved Jesus (Hey Zeus) his neighbor. Maybe there were the same I dunno.

Fernando had also recently affixed a shiny new metallic silver spoiler to the rear of his duct taped together car.

Wow

Do people really think they're fooling anyone with that?

I guess I've never understood the idea of putting a fancy, cosmetic but functionally useless piece of something to a car that looks like crap.

Speaking of cars... I need a name, l-tag for my audi. My SUV (silver) is the Panzer (Z PANZER). The audi is a fast two-seat convertible and I want something that represents that.

Suggestions?

Posted by Monty at 1:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I had bee in my bonnet (a pretty blue one) about a bit of political correctness that I was going to have a go at today. In doing some research on it, I found a very fascinating bit of trivia that seems to have sort of... um... well... been forgotten or overlooked.

A long time ago, in the late 15th century... Europe was sending people in ships all over the place. One of these people in three of these ships (don't ask me how he did it) landed in the Caribbean and discovered the New World. That man was Christopher Columbus. And as your public school education will tell you, he went home and told Spain all about it and what a great thing he did. And they named the continents after some other guy named Amerigo Vespucci... who no one really ever talks about other than he was also on some ships and sailed around and they named the continents after him.

And to a seventh grader, that's your 20 minute lesson on the birth of a nation. Down the hall in sex ed, they'd teach you about the birth of a baby, and if you were lucky later at the dance that night you might experience the birth of your sex life... which could lead back to the birth of a baby... which leads me back to the birth of a bunch of crap.

First bit of crap is just opinion. I will state it as fact though because my opinions are more reliable than many peoples' facts. Columbus landed in the Caribbean. In the Bahamas. I've been to the Bahamas. If I had a couple of ships (Captain Dorko ran one aground in Cuba) I'd have stayed put in the Bahamas. Screw Spain. Stay in the islands man! I mean, in Spain they called the guy Cristobal Colon. That's a horrible name.

So they named the continents after Amerigo Vespucci, who sailed around the Amerigos many times... so he said. Turns out, he did it twice and then died. He was a big fat liar. One of the people he lied to in 1507 was this German guy whose name I can't spell and am really sure you don't care created a map of the known world and label South America as The Americas. This map is the first known usage of America to describe the continents. North America was labeled as The Indies. So it was a great map. But... it started something. A few years later, people found out that Vespucci was a liar and hadn't done half of what he claimed. And the German map maker removed the term America and replaced it with Terra Incognita (Unknown Land). But it was too late. By the time the new maps were made, people were already calling it America.

So there's your history lesson for today. America... discovered by a mistake... and named for a different one.

Welcome to the United States of Terra Incognita.

Posted by Monty at 4:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So yesterday, I went to the Redskins game. I had purchased some tickets quite some time ago. As some folks know, Redskins' safety Sean Taylor was shot and killed in Florida last week. The team decided to do a fan memorial/tribute to Taylor at the stadium this week before the game. Everyone was given a Sean Taylor memorial towel (similar to the ones you see hanging off wide receiver's belts or a quartback's to keep their hands dry). It was a very simple design and I thought well suited. It was a white towel that just had his number (21) in the team colors on it.

You can now find those towels all over ebay... going for about $100 each. These are probably being sold by the people that couldn't keep their mouths shut during the moment of silence.

I'm sure there are people who see nothing wrong with this. I'm of the mindset that people are exploiting someone else's hardship for personal gain. I'm not a fan of that sort of thing.

I've still got my towel. It's in my coat pocket. It's not because I hold any sort of sacred bond to Taylor. He was a good athlete and he will be missed. His death was stupid and pointless. It's in my coat pocket to remind me that anyone (everyone) can be a moment away from a stupid and pointless end. And to make sure you take time to appreciate what you've got while you've got it. That's my #21 towel's message to me.

Some folks got the "Sell me on Ebay for $100!" towels I guess. I think I lucked out on that one.

Posted by Monty at 5:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Why is the pope (Pope Former Nazi the Third) having a go at Enlightenment? I don't mean the turning on of millions of Christmas tree lights... I'm talking about the popular period in western history where people began moving away from the blind religious nonsense and towards Reason. This was back in the late 1700's.

I know that it may still sting the Arch Catholic that over 300 hundred years ago a vast amount of the Roman Catholic Church's clout when down the toilet as people began to question blind obedience. But really... get over it.

The Pope is going on about how atheists are responsible for the majority of moral injustices and violence in the modern world. He also thinks that without belief in god (his in particular, I think) a person cannot have hope. There is nothing for them without hope.

I have hope. I hope the Vatican gets hit with an earthquake. I'd love to see the press release that the church puts out after that one.

Anyway, the Pope thinks atheists are the bane of human existance. I know there are some kids who'd say that Catholic Priests... and the system that protects them are the bane of their existance. I think there are a large swath of jewish peoples in the world that still think back fondly to the church's endorsement of the Nazi final solution program... oh wait... maybe they don't. But that's not real stuff. That's not something that was the church's fault per se. Not like a half dozen or so crusades to rid the holy land of muslims. Those were order by the Pope's themselves. And good for them. Go get rid of the muslims. Noble noble causes. And don't forget to kill a few thousand christians on the way. I know that in theory they're on your team, but whatever... they had some gold and loot and it needed to be taken back to some wealthy aristocracy in Europe... with only a moderate massive tithe going back to Pope Pillager IV. Ya know what, let's have the 4th Crusade not even get to the Holy Land... that's too far. let's tell the peasants that sign up (re conscript at sword-point) that we're going to save baby jesus' bathtub to motivate them when in fact, we're just going to go raid and plunder Italy.

Mecca, Italy... same difference. The italian christians were clearly deemed by god to be smote. Or deemed by Pope Grouchy McTinkle (the first Scottish pope) to not be paying enough tribute to the pope so he decided to use his thugs (crusaders) to sack the place.

Where were the atheists during all this? Probably dead.

I don't know what my point was...

Oh yeah... the Pope is an Idiot.

If his version of hope and salvation are the ones offered by his god... I'm thankful I've been booted out of the club. An eternity of hypocracy doesn't suit me. I'll take my dirt nap and like it.

Posted by Monty at 4:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

OK, so I know I'm really behind on the posts. I apologize. Lack of sleep, ear pain, and work silliness has had my attention as of late. So I promised Las Vegas stories... Here's a quick one.

One the way to the airport leaving Las Vegas, we had a charming cab driver that shared the same ideology that I do... that, of course, being that the majority of the people in the world are stupid. I take that further and also have determined that they are in my way the vast majority of the time and are in direct opposition to my goals. (Such as live in a place with less people.) Anyway...

It was raining.

This was the 4th time in the history of Las Vegas that water had fallen from the sky that had not, in fact, been recently shot up there by the fountains at the Bellagio. (Where does Dracula stay when he goes to Las Vegas? He stays at the BLAAAHgio! That works better when I can voice it.) So... cab guy is telling us a story about some of his less than bright people he's had in his cab. He tells us of a time when he was driving some people around and it started to rain. One of the passengers questioned, "Why is it raining?" That's a stupid question. The cab guy was miffed about it. He was like, "What kind of a dumb question is that, what am I supposed to say to that?"

I replied, "Just say, "Because god hates you.""

He liked that and said he would use that line on people from then on. That also became the running answer to any asked question for the next few hours.

So if you're ever in Las Vegas and riding around in a cab... and you ask a dumb question and the driver responds with "because god hates you"... tell him to send me my dollar. That was the deal. I told him that he could use my line, but I wanted a one dollar usage fee. Seriously. I want my dollar.

For those that were there or heard that story before, you may recall that it was my intention to get GOD H8S U on my license plates. Sadly, there's already someone driving around Virginia with said tags. I'm just not quick enough. Drat.

Speaking of people I want carted away, why do adults not know how to use the bathroom properly? Is it really that hard? Am I some sort of bathroom usage nut that is out of line thinking that the human waste actually goes into a toilet (jeez, even a sink) and not on the floor?

While in Las Vegas, I happened into a bathroom in the Excalibur. Someone had... um... done a bundle on the floor. Now... that in and of itself is pretty nasty. I mean... gross. But at least the offending matter was easily avoided. A very bright janitor (restroom utility engineer) came in to clean up the problem. OK... at least the problem was going to be taken care of. Except... the guy was using one of those broom/dust box combo things usually reserved for sweeping up cigarette butts in theme parks. Now... Las Vegas is like a big theme park... the theme being Give Me Your Money... but... the pile... was not a cigarette butt. And the janitor then made a smeary mess attempting to get the gross into the scoopy box thing. The foot print of the nasty had now grown three fold. But... it was still avoidable (although not as obvious to the new restroom arrivals). And had the janitor left it at that... well... I dunno, but he didn't. He decided to go ahead and spot sweep the rest of the restroom while he was there. Using, naturally, the poo covered implements he'd just tamed the brown beast with. Over the next 10 minutes, this guy managed to spread the tainted unhappiness in bits and dollups all over the entire room. I was horrified. I suddenly realized that I was standing in the center of a dooky mine field. I barely survived.

That was Las Vegas. That makes for a funny story. Let's fast forward a day at my office. We have 3 floors with a mensroom on each floor. That's three mensrooms for the math majors. Yesterday, people managed to violate all three. It's I like a work in a fraternity house. Third floor (the floor on which I work)... someone decided to flush those almost cardboard style paper towels. Bzzzzt! Field trip down to the second floor. That's where the cafeteria is. It was around lunch time, so... I blame myself for not thinking this through. Second floor mensroom was clearly a biohazard zone following what must have been for someone, a very very large lunch of burritos and plague. I fled to the the ground floor.

I'm not sure what happened down there. I'm pretty sure that that bathroom could becalled the Toliet that Time Forgot. I'm positive it was the Toilet that the Janitor Forgot because the place hadn't been cleaned... ever.

I went home.

I was just not in the mood for that crap (heh). So I just called it a day and went home.

On my traffic riddled drive home, I found myself pondering the question, "Why is it that I am constantly surrounded by people in my way (traffic) or people who seem to have no ability to use the bathroom like an adult?"

In the distance I heard a cab driver bellow, "Because god hates you..."

Posted by Monty at 4:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Is it wrong to hate someone because of their bumper sticker?

I spend a lot of my time driving to and from places. I see a lot of bumper stickers. Of times I see some that piss me off. I'm not against people having opposing views. Really, I'm not. I'm against people who feel they can adequately sum up their views in a 5 word sticker and put it on their car.

I'm also going with the assumption that if you put your half thought out view on your car for the world to see, you feel very strongly about it. And by making it public, you make those views open to scrutiny. The only scrutiny I can provide via the highway system is to run people like that off the road.

The big offenders I see are the Bush lovers. (Not lesbians, the others) The big W sticker on a car usually means the driver, in my mind, is a proud stupid supporter of a big dumb animal. If I see a sticker like that... no merging will be had. You can put on your signal all you want... you're not coming over. Want me to let you out if you're stuck on a side street or parked and trying to move... nope. You can sit there for a month.

Last night I refused to let a Dallas Cowboy fan over on a busy street. It seems silly to do that, but Dallas fans, as a rule are mental midgets. I was at Costco and the register lady and a bag/box boy were arguing about football. This is how it went after I got involved:

Me: What football team do you like?
Her: Dallas.
Me: Why?
Her: I don't know.
Me: Are you from Texas?
Her: No.
Me: Have you ever been to Texas?
Her: No.
Me: Do you even know anyone from Texas?
Her: I don't think so.
Me: Can you name two players on the team?
Her: No.
Me: Why do you like them?
Her: They're America's team.
Me: No they aren't.

I remember a few years ago, Dallas started calling themselves America's team. That's a lie. They're probably Retarded America' team. Also... baseball is the national pastime. If there's an America's Team... it's probably a baseball team. Football is really a johnny come lately. Keep in mind, I love football and think baseball is kinda silly.

So bumper sticker people... you guys are risking wrath when you drive around with your little slogans. I already start my day with the mindset that 99.9% of the people on this planet are in my way. If one of those people also happens to have a moronic slogan on their car (like "Abortion stops a beating heart"... yeah... so will a pencil if you stab someone with it.) gets between my and my destination... I'm likely to do whatever I can to run them off the road.

I believe we can change this society... killing off one little brain at a time.

I'm going to Las Vegas in a couple of days and will be gone for a week or so. I'll try to write while I'm there, but no promises.

Posted by Monty at 3:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well, boy oh boy... my Halloween Party on Saturday was a great success.

I firstly want to thank everyone who attended for coming. These parties are nothing without you. An enormous amount of work goes into getting prepared for this event each year and it always worth it come event time when friends are all gathered 'round laughing, drinking, eating, and wearing silly hats.

As always, there are things that I meant to do for the party and forgot about in the hustle and bustle.

This year was supposed to feature a real costume contest. Many people who come to these events spend a great amount of time and effort on their costumes. I had a prize and everything. So anyway... I decided to post the costume contest winners here instead. Without further delay:

Best Tandom Costumes: Andy & Phil as the Mackenzie Brothers from Strange Brew (take off hoser)

Best Display of the Female Anatomy: MJ as the boobalicious dark fairy

Best Incorporation of Nature: Paul as a tree (although Paul, my house is now full of your leaves and twigs)

Best Costumes Accessories Left Behind After the Party: Witchy Pam for leaving her broomstick and cool skull drinking glass

Most Impractical Costume (Tie): Brian as Spiderman (couldn't drink with the mask on) and Jonathan as Towelie (could barely move at all)

Best Costume that Helped Decorate the House: LB as Guy Who Thought the Party was a Rave. I'm still finding random glo-light sticks around the house.

Scariest Costume: Blue as a priest. I still wake up screaming.

Best Prop: Blue's flask hiding bible.

Costume I Wish I'd Though Of: Leo as a Zombie. The costume wasn't as important as the fact that he was chained to boobalicious MJ.

And (drumroll) the best costume award goes to...

Chrissy for her depiction of a nun (complete with ruler). There was something very wholesome and quite disturbing about it all.

Well done everyone... and I can't wait until doing it all again next year!

Posted by Monty at 12:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Happy Monday peeps.

This weekend was rather entertaining. Saturday I was reminded just why I used to own a convertible car. The weather was beautiful and I had the opportunity to drive a Mini Cooper sans top in the evening. It was a lot of fun. I miss driving for fun. I used to do it all the time. Driving at night with the top down is about the best driving there is. Also, driving a Mini is like driving a go-gart. The steering wheel is on the small side, but not quite gimmick small. The handling is extremely tight, so going around corners is a lot of fun. I think I caught myself in at least two, "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"s.

Two years ago I was faced with a decision as to what new vehicle to purchase. It'd be my first new car. I'd just driven my Jeep Grand Cherokee into the ground and I wanted something new. I'd narrowed my choices to the Toyota 4Runner or the Honda S2000. The 4Runner is your standard mid-sized SUV with better than average performance for its type. The S2000 is a two door high performance roadster. It also only had two seats. Which reminds me of:

Sammy Davis Jr.: That's ok... because God is our co-pilot.
Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder: Good, you'll need him!
Dean Martin: God is our co-pilot?
Sammy Davis Jr: Uh-huh.
Dean Martin: Remember our car?
Sammy Davis Jr: Yeah.
Dean Martin: Two seats.
Sammy Davis Jr.: So?
Dean Martin: Where's he gonna sit? Huh? Where's he gonna sit?

Wow. A little flashback there to one of my favorite movies ever (Cannonball Run).

So anyway... I did the mature responsible thing and bought the SUV. It being the more practical choice. (Also for the SUV haters, the S2000 was just about as bad as far as environmental impact.) Plus, the SUV continued my middle class destiny. House in the suburbs. Miserable job in the city. An SUV. I was only missing 2.5 kids and a dog. I got three dogs instead. Saturday I began to regret my decision. The credit union has an Audi TT roadster for sale that I might borrow one night... just to see if I'm still interested in the concept.

That went longer than it should have.

Sunday, I went with Phil to the Washington Redskins game. For those not in the Washington DC area... going to see the Redskins at home is pretty much an all day event. The parking and traffic at these things is so frigging nuts. We left my house at 1:30PM to see a 4:00PM game that ended at 7:00PM and we got back to my house at 10:30PM.

So... I've become a bit of a snob. The last two times I saw the Redskins I was in a corporate box or in a swanky lodge. They don't let the riff-raff in. Now... keep in mind... the cheapest seat in Fedex Field is $79 so even the riff-raff have to have some cash. But anyway... in the swanky sections... you deal with a different crowd than you do in the nose bleeds.

We were in the upper deck with the unwashed masses.

I got my first taste of what was coming when we got on the shuttle bus to take us from the parking lot to the stadium. We'd payed $30 for the honor of parking at a strip mall business and getting a bus ride to the stadium. Oh, we did get paper wristbands too.

On the bus, Phil and I grabbed a couple of seats and were very excited to be going to the stadium. Also excited were the drunkards in the back of the bus that I quickly dubbed the "Passed Out by Halftime Gang". They were clearly housed. And I'm not talking crippled with Vicodin House... I mean torn up drunk. In the sea of burgundy and gold jerseys (I was wearing mine... I'm such a joiner.) there was the occassional blue and white one. The Redskins were playing the Giants of New York and there were a few folks who'd obviously made the trip south to support their team. There was a such a guy and his lady friend who were two of those folks. The drunks in the back began heckling them. It wasn't terrible, but it was annoying. At one point a drunk in the front of the bus told the Giants fans that they had to expect it. Probably at that level, yeah. Except it eventually got ugly. Not on the bus though.

So Phil and I found our seats and with our $8 beers sat down to watch the Redskins look like morons and lose the game to the Giants.

Behind us was a guy who I wanted to refer to as "Ham Sammich" or "Dr. Roundboy" I could decide. Throughout the entire game, the guy did not shut up. He was clearly an authority on well... everything... and kept babbling at volume about everything to anyone who would listen. Sadly he was continually indulged by his row mate who was a wonderful mental midget of a woman. I'm sure she was nice... but I felt dumber for sitting in front of her.

Two seats over from us was a guy in a Giants jersey. Hammy the Roundboy immediately began taunting him. The Giants guy was fairly good natured and ignored him... which made the Pilsbury Dough Ass just get louder. Eventually, the Giants guy made a reference to the "big fat guys" on the field. That seemed to have hurt Big Man's feelings. He was quiet for a glorius 30 seconds before he went on a rant about how everyone can't be skinny like him.

At half time I went into the mensroom. It was jammed pack with drunk people. In there was one poor Giants fan who was being screamed at by basically everyone. Just lots and lots of screaming. At one point I yelled, "More peeing, less b-s-ing!" I had to pee and didn't want to miss the game. Anyway... when I got back to my seat, there was some random Redskin fan that was trying to start a fist fight with the Giants fan. He didn't take the bait, but I was beginning to feel bad for the Giants fans. They were taking more crap than I thought justified. But of course there were a group of Giants fans several rows back that were just as bad. They were trying to pick fights with our whole section.

No offense New Jersey, but please... please keep your population within your borders. I have tended to dislike people from New York city... for some reason they seem to think that entitles them to something. People from New Jersey are worse because the want to be from New York and are just bitter. And their state smells horrible. Anyway...

So the Giants won the game. As we were heading for the door, I told the Giants fan, "Well... it looks like your bravery was rewarded." He said thanks and extended his hand, which I accepted.

The rest of the two hours it took to get to the car was basically people in red yelling at people in blue. At one point, there were two Redskins fans yelling at each other. That confused me.

I don't remember what the point was. Oh... it's a shame that people can be such jerks at football games. Either hassling the visiting team fans or just being as stupid as possible. (You know it was bad if I'm complaining about someone acting stupid.) Taunting the visiting team is really fine... but when it basically comes down to looking for someone in a different shirt to punch them in the eye... that's insane.

All things considered, it was still a great time.

This was a long post without much of a point it seems.

Posted by Monty at 1:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Europe is once again on fire with the cries of revolution. The French had one. The Russians had one (or four) and Brits had a revolution everytime they peed on Ireland, Scotland or Oliver Cromwell was alive. Now it's time for the Belgians to have a revolution.

That's right... the Belgians are up in arms and close to splitting into two new nation states. Gone will be the Belgium of old... a country that served mainly as a large speed bump in the Western European theater of both World Wars.

In the north... you have the Flemish. They want to recreate the forgotten state of Flanders. They are a tech heavy group with a thriving economy. And they hate the people of the south.

In the South... you have the Frenchies. They want to recreate the forgotten state Wallonia. They used to have a thriving industrial economy that has since tanked and now have high unemployment. And they hate the people to the North.

I'm going to have to side with the Flemmies. If for no other reason than if there was a large portion of the United States that was pro-French and French speaking, I want to be in another country too.

Not to mention the fact that Walloonians are a boat anchor to the economy.

So I really hope that the country can hold itself together for a couple more years though. I want to visit Brussels. Belgium is like a beer and chocolate mecca and I'd like to spend an afternoon swimming in both. Maybe swimming in a pool filled with beer on a floaty raft made of chocolate.

But if they split, I'll just have to adjust my list to places to conque-- visit in Europe.

Speaking of country fragmentation... has any movement been made regarding giving Texas back to Mexico.

I think that'd solve some immigration issues.

We tell all of the illegal immigrants that there is free amnesty for them if they all go to Texas and become citizens of Texas.

Then we unannex Texas and declare it Mexico II.

Illegal immigrants gone.

Texans gone.

Win - Win

Then when people say "Remember the Alamo"... they'd better say "Remembremos el Alamo... Que Lastima!" Because they'd be in Mexico.

Have a good weekend everyone. Except the French and Texans.

Posted by Monty at 1:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

At what point can accountability stop at an individual? Why does this country seem to go to polar opposites regarding accountability? It's either no one's fault or it's hundreds of people's fault. There's no individual accountability anymore.

I saw yesterday a series of articles regarding the Va-Tech murders that took place some time ago. Unremarkably, it turns out the gunman who killed 32 people and then himself had some mental issues. That's not a news flash to anyone I think. I mean... really people. The gun was clearly a nut job. And not a fun not job like David Cross or Paris Hilton... who are also nut jobs, but they're funny.

No, when this guy went off the rails he went postal. Hilton goes off the rails and ends up on a coke binge with various parts of her anatomy on in the internet. They're both nuts.

Anyway, the articles were discussing basically all of the assorted people or organizations that could have or should have determined that Johnny Gunslinger was a nut and stopped Operation Shooting Gallery from ever happening. Or as one headline said, "Va-Tech Could Have Prevented Many Deaths" had it had better prepared.

I went to college and worked for several university organizations, including one that was a front line group for dealing with students en route to insanity. No where did I see a plan or procedure for what to do if a kid opens fire. I'm thinking few schools outside of West Virginia have plans for dealing with armed, suicidal kids.

They're also faulting the parents other schools for not identifying the problems that the kid had or sharing information about his previous mental issues. Well... there are a hell of a lot of privacy laws out there these days that stop that. Just FYI, you can't go running around screaming "looney" these days. Which is fine. For every pistolier in training out there, there a hundred unthreatening nuts. I'm a good case in point. Not a day goes by where I don't exhibit some behavior that's abnormal or openly hostile. My current pharmacy grocery list looks like Jerry Garcia's and at least once a week a threaten to burn my office down.

If you've read this blog, you'll know I'm not all there.

If I go on a shooting spree tomorrow, people will dig through my life and find all sorts of reasons why it should have been seen coming.

However, the FBI has dug through my life (twice) and seen fit to award me with all sorts of clearance and physical access to places that they don't let unelected crazy people anywhere near.

Hindsight is 20/20.

If Tech could have stopped Nutty McTrigger from killing those people, they would have. No question. But it's not their fault those kids and teachers died. It's not the parents, it's not the high school guidance counselor, it's not his doctor's, it's not the music he listened to, the people he talked to in the lobby of a hotel five years ago, it's none of that.

The guy was a nut. He murdered 32 people and then killed himself. The accountability died with him.

That's frustrating because people like to feel that they can get their pound of flesh for an injustice and with the killer killing himself... people feel cheated.

It's tough to swallow, but sometimes crazy happens. Sometimes crazy is deadly.

I think it might be better to focus on helping the families move on instead of trying to come up for a million and one hypotheticals regarding "if only".

Have a good holiday weekend everyone and don't do anything too crazy.

Posted by Monty at 4:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So we're just a couple of weeks away from the grand opening of the football season. I am excited.

Some how this year, I snoozed on my normal football prep. I think it's because I didn't go to the beach this year. Usually I head down to Myrtle Beach for a week in August and one of the things I do is catch up on the football. So I've been trying to think, though, about why I like pro-football so much.

Firstly, I think professional sports are over-hyped wastes of time and money. Every one of them. With the exception of football, I cannot spend a minute watching someone else play a game. I've been to football, baseball, soccer, swim meets, track meets, all sorts of things. And with the exception of pro-football, have bored the hell out of me. I love to play games (and some sports) myself, but not watch them.

I used to play football. I loved it. I played defensive middle linebacker and was a pass rush specialist. My job was to make pretty boys (quarterbacks) and meat heads (running backs) eat as much dirt as possible. My best game, I got 6 sacks, 10 tackles, and caused 4 fumbles (recovering 3). It was great, great fun. But then I had my first run in with the knee fairy. That ended my ability to play contact sports.

In college, I coached intermural football for two years and won the championship both times with two different teams. That was also fun.

But going to a game as a spectator just doesn't interest me. If someone invites me to a baseball game... all I hear is, "Do you want to drink beer and eat peanuts outside?" And that's fine because I do like to do that. But the fact that there are people running around on the grass with a stick doesn't get me going.

I've been to one pro-basketball game and I have to admit that it was the worst experience ever. I was bored out of my mind. They go left... then they go right... then left again... then right... back and forth... back and forth... boring.

I used to watch women's softball and soccer a lot. That was fun... but not particularly because of the sport... it just usually meant that I was crushing on a player (or three).

So pro-football... why is that the exception? I think it has to do with fantasy football. I really started getting into it after I started doing the fantasy thing. I was in a big money league for a while and managed to win a pretty substantial amount of money out of that for about four years. I can say that Marshall Faulk alone won me several thousand dollars. He's my hero. So yeah, I think that's the big thing. The fact that the game isn't passive makes it enjoyable.

Although that doesn't explain why I love going to a Redskins game. At first I thought it was because of the experiences I had there. When I was with Unisys, I got to use the company box suite at FedEx to watch the game. That was unreal... free buffet, open bar, 50 yard line seats... it's the kinda thing most people never see in their lifetime. My dad took me to a game with my mother and brother-in-law and we got into another suite. So those are awesome experiences. But I also had a blast sitting up in the nose-bleeds when I went to a game with Mat. I dunno. It's just a lot of fun.

I don't know if I'll get out to a game this year. I hope to do so. It's just so expensive to get tickets.

I had a point to this post, but it got derailed. I'll get back to it tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm reconsidering my anti-baseball stance. I found myself downloading a baseball game for my PS3 last week. Who knows... I may end up a Yankees fan.

Posted by Monty at 12:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ow, my fricken head!

I think I've got a sinus infection. There's enough pressure behind my eyes that I think with little effort I could fire one (maybe both) across the room. I'd rather not do that. My whole head needs a "Warning Contents Under Pressure" label. Enough on that.

This weekend I got to see one of my most favoritest people in the whole world. We went to the museums in DC and ended up heckling people. We did get to see a bum fight... which was pretty cool. For the record... a black bum does not take kindly to the "n" word from a white bum. Who knew? There's nothing quite as parity defining as sitting at an outdoor pub drinking Guinness while bums fight for your amusement. I felt very Roman.

So, Courtney, is awesome. For those that have visited an of my dwellings in the past 15 years, you'd know her as the person who gave me the giant inflatible sausage and also the scary bottle opener. If you don't know what I mean by scary bottle opener, you've never seen it. It's the cat-man-penis-guy-thing. No trends there, surely.

So anyway... seeing her was groovy. Too short though. We'll be getting together more often I hope. Part of my Operation Don't Wait Five Years to See People plan.

What else is new? Not much.

Today I've been occupying my time by sending inappropriate e-mails to people who foolishly gave me their White House e-mail addresses. For those who don't know, White House e-mail is subject to searches and is a federal record. Well... unless you're Karl Rove (fat sack) or Alberto Gonzalez (el jefe tortudora)... those guys get a pass. I think the subject of today's inappropriate e-mail thread revolves around a known homosexual molesting cats. It's the little things really.

Also... if you're really bored and want some good reading... put in a FIOA request to the White House for all e-mails containing the word "Monty" from 1996-2005.

There's some damn good reading in there. Although I'm pretty there's a six month gap in there where there isn't anything... I have no idea why that would be.

You'll have to wait for my book.

Chapter 7 - The Ballad of the Vanishing E-Mails (or I Swear It Was Right Here!)

Heh... I'm so going to be disappeared one day.

Posted by Monty at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

OK, so it's very rare that I'll own up to my own buttheadedness (Dear Webster, I have invented a new word....) but I will do so now.

Matt, your previous comment was very appropriate. I did need to find my muse and fortunately that has happened.

Interestingly enough, it seemed to be more of a case of my muse finding me than the other way around. For that I am fortunate.

So the muse has returned... well not completely... the muse is in Iowa right now trying to teach children creative techniques for making crop circles and trying to motivate Survivor into making a non-State Fair come back tour.

It's the eye of the tiger and something something something and something something somethin something hmmm hmmm rival.

So... ummm... yeah. This is all true.

Or I've made it all up.

I've forgotten what the question was.

I guess the bottom line is that the blog isn't going to be off line for a few weeks after all. There might be a lull or two here and there... but I'll do my damnedness (Dear Webster...) to get something out that's slightly silly on a regular basis.

Thanks Mateo.

Posted by Monty at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Black pants
Black shirt
Black shoes
Black tie

This is a look for two people... mafia hitman or ninja.

This look will look silly on anyone else.

I know... more on Settle is coming. I'm just tired.

I overslept this morning and got less sleep than I probably should have last night. Oh well.
If I can stay awake for my hour long meeting, I should be ok. I'm a presenter at the meeting, so I'm guessing I will... but that might just be wishful thinking.

Posted by Monty at 1:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Why, oh why do people overdose on perfume and cologne?

For the love of gawd, do you not understand that you're killing my nose?

I just walked out of an elevator that had a lady in it that had to have dipped herself in cheapo Wal-Mart perfume. It burned my eyes. If I were attacked by a thug I would have thrown her at him because it would be like pepper spray, mace, and a tazer all in one. Uh, I can still taste her bitter air. Guh.

Now don't get me wrong... I love the subtle smells of pretty ladies. The key word there is subtle. You shouldn't ever be able to smell someone from beyond arm's length. If you can smell them from a different zip code... that's a bio hazard.

Tomorrow I leave for Seattle and I doubt that I'll be writing any more posts until after I get back next week. I'm sure that the long weekend will give me more than enough material for some posts. In the meantime, dear readers, enjoy your break from my blather.

Posted by Monty at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'd just like to say... for the record... that I hate bicycle riders.

Why do they think that they and their two wheeled go carts rule the world... riding around in circles and ringing their little bells. brrrrng brrrrng Ha ha I'm not using gasoline!

I'm going out to buy a double barrelled shotgun and I'm going to saw it off and go Mad Max on these fools.

That is all.

Posted by Monty at 5:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Saturday was dominated by the birthday party of my seven year old nephew. When I arrived (late... no surprise there) the party was well under way and there seemed to be dozens of kids between the ages of 0-7. They'd all recently been fed a healthy dose of sugar covered cake and were moving and screaming like bikers on a meth bender.

I tried to find a place to hide until the kids passed out, but nothing doing. The party was a pokemon themed event and two overly excited children decided it was in my best interest to have the concept of pokemon explained to me in excruciatingly confusing detail. One of them almost hit me because I continued to refer to the pokemon as "Pooky Man". I thought it was funny, but what do I know. One kid was so impressed with one of his cards that he continued to pester me about how powerful it was and how he was the most powerful because he had it. I pulled out my VISA card and told him that my card could beat his card any day of the week and twive on Sunday.

As the day went on, the first kid casualties began to pour in. There had been a sand fight at one point and several kids were wounded with sand in their eyes. I watched with mild amusement as assorted parents (note: I was the only one there sans kids) attempted to resolve the "sand in the eye" issue. There was one solution that involved having a kid submerge his head under water in the nearby ice water tub that was full of drinks. I thought they were joking until the kid dunked his head in the cold water and then came up yelling about his eye and hypothermia. The next idea I overheard was to go get the hose and shoot water into the kid's eye to force the sand out. Not making that up. I suggested we get a power-washer.

I got the angry look.

A bit later there were fireworks. Rockets, tanks, fountains, etc. Boom, pow, rat-a-tat-tat. The finale was to give all of the kids sparklers. Several of them. I watched with mild amusement as kids began twirling around firing sparks hither and yon. Then they started setting the yard on fire. And then themselves. One kid got burned and threw up both arms in a true "Rocky" pose shouting, "I got burned! I got burned, everybody!" as proud as he could be. And then he ran around the yard. At that point I had to stop watching and laughing and start putting out fires on the lawn.

Later while roasting marshmellows, my niece burned her hand with hot molten goo. I took care of her because apparently no one else knew what to do with a burn. I must have done a good job because she told me, "You're the best Uncle Monty ever."

I don't think there were any fatalities.

Posted by Monty at 11:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hey ladies... no matter what you think... those nasty lip injection things... they don't look good. At best you look like a burn victim... more often... like a someone who got punched in the mouth a few too many times.

Maybe some people like the look of bass lips... not me.

Carry on.

Posted by Monty at 11:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

While reading the paper this evening, I was posed with an interesting question... who would I rather shoot, Dick Cheney or Paris Hilton.

I couldn't find a single viable reason not to shoot either of them in favor of the other so I just left it with the notion that I'd just buy an extra bullet to cover both options.

In case you ever wanted proof in the lack of a benevolent diety... crack babies die... these two live.

My lawyers reminded me to note that I have no intention of shooting Dick Cheney or Paris Hilton. I will, however, have a massive party upon the death of either.

I've even got a Cheney sized kegerator... cold and frosty.

Posted by Monty at 10:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So the wedding this weekend was a blast. I don't think the internet has enough room left to detail all of the good fun, but here are some highlights.

The wedding was for one of the old college crowd gang... easily a group of the most awesome people never aborted. It was Melissa's, aka Kermit, wedding and she and her new husband chose the most "Kermit" location ever. It's basically a fun house. It's five row houses that have been merged together via secret passages, random rooms, and assorted routes. It also features a large amount of very clean, floor-to-ceiling mirrors that covered large areas of walls. It was not uncommon to open the door to a bathroom and excuse yourself because someone else appeared to be in there... until you realized it was just you in a mirror. We spent a good length of time exploring and finding as many secret passages as we could. I'm positive I only saw 20-30% of the place despite the effort. The place was also entirely for sale. Everything had a price tag on it. If you had a grandma that was really into LSD and retail, this was her house. It was awesome.

After dinner, we all decided to retire to the bridal log cabin upstairs. (It was really a logcabin room... Lincoln would have been proud.) Above the log cabin was a log cabin loft. We'd pilfered several bottles of wine and went to town drinking out of the glasses we found upstairs (priced from $2-$20 each).

The we (not wee) in this phase of the story was myself (hero), my wife, John, Cat, Matt, and Jay. John had just flown in from Sweden (and boy were his arms tired) but the airlines decided that his luggage could take a side trip to Zimbabwe. Matt and Jay were in from Seattle and Cat was up from the Norfolk/Virginia beach area. It was great, and a rarity, to get to see all of these people at once.

In the log cabin loft (of justice), I made myself comfortable behind a large, keyboard synthesizer and started pressing buttons hoping that something entertaining would come out of it. And of course it did. I found a piece of random animal pelt (no lie) that matched my hair color and put it on in a tribute to Motzart and Sideshow Bob. I'd found the keyboard's ability to make various "fanfares" and we'd decided to camp out up there until the bride and groom returned to make with the sex. I'd pre-authored his and hers orgasm fanfares so we thought that would nice for the newlyweds.

But then we got bored waiting... I think it was under a minute. Cat walked over to do something, I'm not sure what, but whacked her head on a low beam. It was funny, especially because she's tall and graceful. Before the night was through, she whacked her head at least twice more. In her defense, after mocking her, I promptly hit my own head on the same beam.

Cat and I also developed musical routines to help sell assorted tea products we found. I played random crap on the keyboard and she was the spokesmodel. It was pretty funny. Drunk funny.

That was immediately followed up by the discovery of several 1980's Bill Cosby reject sweaters. A fashion show was improvised.

It was a very, very good time.

I miss my college peeps. It reminds me of a time gone by.

I'm going to make plans to see them all again in the next few months. The only thing holding me back from doing this sort of thing more frequently is me.

I've spent too much time either chasing a career that sucks, or pursuing diversions that don't really divert.

Looks like I'll be visiting Seattle in July... first stop on my "don't wait 5 years for fun tour".

Also... Kermit's wedding gets mad props for having 478,562 different deserts.

Good times.

Posted by Monty at 1:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This is a place holder so that I don't forget to write more about my friend Kermit's wedding that I went to on Saturday.

I was reminded of just how great my old college friends are.

It a pretty amazing thing to not see someone for years and then sit down and chat with them just like you'd seen them yesterday.

Good times and more on this later.

Posted by Monty at 12:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

March Madness is all the rage. People are all into brackets and foursomes and all sorts of things these days. What a great big waste of oxygen.

I don't like basketball. So there may be some bias there.

I've also never really understood the big deal behind college sports of any type. I imagine that it's all funded by the nut jobs in Texas that go crazy for high school football. At my old high school football games, it was just an excuse to get together with friends and hang out. I don't know if our team was any good or not. I don't think I ever watched a game. And I do like football. I coached intermural football for two years in college. I coached two different teams and both one the championship. That was fun. But it was because I was actually involved, not just watching it on TV while melting into the couch with chili con queso and nachos.

Kids often like to play basketball in the street on which I live. I often try to run them over on my way home from work. They're too fast though. One day... one day.

I need a faster car. With a plow.

Posted by Monty at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Do you have to be an illegal immigrant to get Carlos Mencia?

I made the mistake of watching five minutes of his crap show on Comedy Central. I just didn't see anything funny about it. It reminded me of Cheech Marin without the pot or the humor.

Some people seem to think he's funny. No me gusta.

Posted by Monty at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So... once again, Congress and Meat Puppet Bush have thwarted me.

Internet gambling in the United States is basically going to go bye-bye.

Long time anti-gambling people were finally successful in thwarting the gambling online by playing the terrorist card. It's well known of course that terrorists PartyPoker.com to fund jihads on everyone.

Right.

Lucky for me that the government took my ability to play poker online away... because I surely would have become a degenerate gambler and lost everything. Gambling is a sin... but it isn't in the 10 commandments so I guess it's a sin-lite.

I'm pretty tired of the government legislating things they shouldn't. Please stop trying to protect me from myself. I know me... I'm not scared.

If people need someone else to stop them from doing something... they're lost anyway.

I hope that the bill's sponsors, including my rep, get AIDS.

And Bush too.

And his family.

And his little dog too.

Posted by Monty at 2:01 PM | Permalink

Breaking News... Pluto isn't a planet anymore.

It's a space rock.

The solar system has 8 planets, not 9.

This should be listed in the "who the hell cares" category.

I'm glad science has nothing better to do than this. While we're at it, let's make a tomato a vegetable instead of a fruit.

Has the international space wannabe community run out of things to discover in space so now they're just changing labels?

The sun is not a star... now it is a hot, light emitting radiation beacon, or HLERB. And comets are now ice darts. Intergalactic Space Darts.

A long time ago, we put a man on the moon... soon to be renamed Earth Junior... when did we give up on trying to go places in space and settle for renaming places we'll never go.

Kirk would be sad. I don't think he'd care if he was boldly going past a planet or making out with the green skinned natives of Rock #5. I think he'd just be happy to be out there. Spock on the other hand, would obsess about it.

Come to think of it... I bet Leonard Nimoy is behind this whole thing.

Oh well... I'm gonna run. I need to go work on my HLERB tan.

Posted by Monty at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Breaking News... Pluto isn't a planet anymore.

It's a space rock.

The solar system has 8 planets, not 9.

This should be listed in the "who the hell cares" category.

I'm glad science has nothing better to do than this. While we're at it, let's make a tomato a vegetable instead of a fruit.

Has the international space wannabe community run out of things to discover in space so now they're just changing labels?

The sun is not a star... now it is a hot, light emitting radiation beacon, or HLERB. And comets are now ice darts. Intergalactic Space Darts.

A long time ago, we put a man on the moon... soon to be renamed Earth Junior... when did we give up on trying to go places in space and settle for renaming places we'll never go.

Kirk would be sad. I don't think he'd care if he was boldly going past a planet or making out with the green skinned natives of Rock #5. I think he'd just be happy to be out there. Spock on the other hand, would obsess about it.

Come to think of it... I bet Leonard Nimoy is behind this whole thing.

Oh well... I'm gonna run. I need to go work on my HLERB tan.

Posted by Monty at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So... as the subject states, I'm back.

I spent a week at the beach doing beachy things. Sun, sand, surf, etc. If etc began with an "s" I'd have had some handy aliteration going on there, but alas English has thwarted me again. I probably misspelled aliteration.

While at the beach, my wife noticed an ad for something called MagiQuest. The ad was something like, "Take your magic wand and perform daring feats of magic and blah blah blah". I translated that into "take you magic putter and make your magic ball fly along the magic green carpet and disappear in a magic portal aka hole." I wasn't down with fantasty mini golf. Not when there were several other pirate themed mini golf places complete with ships, cannons, and Johnny Depp lookalikes.

But one night we happened upon this place. And decided to go in. It wasn't miniature golf. I don't know how to describe it other than it was basically a hybrid of a Harry Potter movie, World of Warcraft, and a LARP.

You got a wand. (Not a putter much to my surprise.) There were different styles of wands and I chose brown. Boring brown. You then had to pick a clan to join. My wife chose some sort of tree hugging hippie sounding clan and I chose the Shadow clan. Because it sounded cool.

So after you get your wand and clan designation you have to pay. You have to buy the wand... because no good wizard type would rent a wand I guess. You also pay by the hour to play the game. The game is basically 13 quests and 5 adventures. That's what I was told anyway by a very pale teen behind the counter. I asked him if I would get the opportunity to kill my wife in the game... since she was a hippie and I was a dark shadow guy. He said no. I then asked if I'd be given the opportunity to kill any of the multitude of children lining up behind me. He said no again. The lack of PvP in the game was already bothering me.

Then off to training. Yeah, this thing actually required a tutorial. To break it down... the wand had an electronic eye and an RFID. To get the eye to transmit, you had to sling it at your target... the battery would make contact in the wand due to the force of motion. You could sling it like Harry Potter and get it to fire, but I found that holding it point down and coming at my target like Norman Bates in the shower worked just as well.

You went to this stone henge looking thing and a Gandalf looking guy would give you quests and what not. Then you ran around inside this big place complete with castles, tree houses, crypts, etc finding items and such. I got lost and wandered into a room that had a sleeping dragon in it. I left. I figured I wasn't supposed to be there. The big dragon was a projection on a screen. He was one of many. The interaction with the projections reminded me a great deal of the old Dragon's Lair video game.

So we ran around collecting stuff and completed a few quests in the hour we'd payed for. I also hit a kid in the head with my wand. He deserved it.

There were some live action "characters" in there too, but they had little to do and could be avoided. They were people clearly lost without a Renfest to visit every weekend.

The play was cheesy, but addictive. We ended up going back to finish some quests.

We never did fight the dragon though.

Later I found out there was a PvP area, but it was populated with 12-13 year olds that were MagiQuest professionals and they would have killed me repeatedly... at least until I started punting them.

More on the beach trip later.

Posted by Monty at 11:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I was visiting a urinal at work today and overheard someone in a stall having some sort of chat with someone or something.

At first I wasn't sure what was happening. I thought I heard him speak, but then thought maybe it was a grunt or straining sound. After a moment I found that it was a guy talking in a breathy grunting tone.

He was saying things like, "ok... two", "yep", "that's it", "oooooh-k", "maybe-*plop*-oh god", "um... ok. later, ok?".

Then I thought, maybe a phone call.

It wasn't.

Pyucky.

Posted by Monty at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I wish I knew the answer to this question, but am I getting too old or are high school kids getting more stupid?

I was standing in line at a Subway today waiting for my Tuscan chicken sub to get Quiznosed and three kids from the local high school were chatting behind me.

Because I work in Fairfax, the kids were speaking English. Had I been near home, they'd have been habloing spanols.

I listened to the chatter for a few minutes and decided that kids are idiots. I don't think I was as stupid as this trio, but maybe.

It's rare that I see people in the 16-22 age range that don't just come off as idiots, but maybe it's me.

I might just be getting ready to be a grumpy old man. That kinda sucks though... I don't like old people either.

Posted by Monty at 9:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

"If America is so blessed, why is our oil buried under people who hate us?"

-Jon Stewart

Posted by Monty at 9:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Do people ever blame god when things go wrong? I noticed recently that a lot of people thank god when they win something or something good happens to them. Do people blame god if they lose or something bad happens? I'm curious. Do you think that you'd go into a church in New Orleans tomorrow and find the title of the sermon to be, "Way to jack up our neighborhood god... ya big meanie!" Probably not. Hopefully they don't have church on fridays in New Orleans. Probably not mad at god churches anyway.

Are the people who are thanking god for helping them win something also thanking god for making the other people losers?

Here's a situation...

Continue reading "Jesus Won Me the Lottery!" »

Posted by Monty at 3:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It was a nice day so I had a late lunch in the parking lot of a shopping center. Apparently, a nearby high school had let out or it was lunch time because the area was overtaken by high school kids shortly after I arrived. I noticed that the vast majority of the kids... were very ugly. Just ugly muttly looking kids. Maybe this is the crack baby generation or something.

Are kids everywhere looking like this? I don't remember kids being so universally toad-esque when I was in school. Maybe I was parked next to the Ugly School of America.

Luckily, I was able to overhear some of their conversations and these guys make up for their lack of physical prowess with their amazing intellectual skills. When they write the next version of HTML, I want a sarcasm tag.

I think I'll make sure I eat lunch somewhere else. Between the ugly kids and the vans with the pedophiles in them, the parking lot made me lose my appetite.

And it takes a lot to do that.

Posted by Monty at 10:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)