Drink Rum

"How did the Germans look at a goose and say "that's the step for us!"?"

I had the rare honor of seeing two back to back live Eddie Izzard shows this week. The shows were amazingly funny in and of themselves, but it was like watching a mad genius to compare the two.

Izzard had, in his mind, a 12 point bulleted list of things to talk about (despite opening his first show declaring "tonight I'm going to talk about everything") and turned 20 minutes of prepared material into over an hour and a half of talking. 40% of the shows were completely and totally different. One discussed the merits rats. Another pondered the German training of geese to develop an awesome marching technique.

It was all part of a great birthday treat. Many thanks to all who participated in both nights of fun. Big thanks to Phil for dinner for everyone Friday.

Good good times.

Thanks again everyone. Best two nights of brief sleep that I can remember.

Posted by Monty at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This is a quick note of congrats to Art Monk and Darrell Green for (finally) getting into the NFL Hall of Fame.

Both men were amazing athletes and are both stand up guys. They both played the sport of professional football in a way that's lost on most players now. They both started out making minimum amounts of cash and earned every bit of their clout through hard work.

I met Darrell Green once and he was an incredible guy to talk to. I met Art Monk a few times while working at George Mason. We ran housing for his summer football camps and I got to talk to him at length quite a few times. He's very cool.

It's nice to see two guys who were actually decent himan beings who were also amazing athletes get their kudos in a day when people are more likely to be rewarded with multimillion dollar sponsorships because of their attitude and bad boy natures.

It's like the world is cleaning itself up... Michael Vick is in jail... and hopefully raped daily... and Green and Monk are getting inducted to the Hall of Fame.

Well done indeed.

Posted by Monty at 7:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When I'm bored at work I find myself staring at the vending machine downstairs. I stare at it the hopes that perhaps one day I will look inside it and see that if were to press H7, no longer would a crispity, crunchity Butterfinger drop a few feet for my eating pleasure, but that H7 would now grant me access to a steak. Granted... vending machine steak sounds as appealing to me as a Butterfinger... which to me sounds like some sort of lewd sex practice that comes with a surgeon general's warning.

So today as I gazed at the rows of Lays chips and Twix happiness with a few M&M varieties thrown in for good measure... I noticed the Oreo's that were there yesterday (I really do do this frequently) were replaced with a new version.

Oreo Cakesters.

I'm not even sure what that is, but the idea revolted me like early 20th century Russia. I don't want to eat something called a cakester. You can't take a decent desert item and then add "ster" on the end and expect it to maintain any sort of dignity whatsoever.

Peaches & Creamster?
Chocolate Fudgester?
Cherry Piester?

Those all sound like they belong in the "Butterfinger(ster)" category to me.

Someone should just tell Oreo to be itself. It's been the same round, black and white thing for decades and everybody who eats that sort of thing (and some who don't) love them. Just be happy with that.

If you need, Nabisco, to play Frankenbaker and build a cakester... leave the Oreo name off of it. It's like if Porsche wanted to make a crappy car, they wouldn't put the Porsche brand on it for fear of tainting it. Would you buy a Porsche Cakester?

As I typed that I realized that we're probably no more than 6 months away from such a thing probably existing.

I sure hope I win the lottery so I can start working on my personal space program. That's a space program that I plan for personal use, not a program to deal with personal space. I should probably work on that too though. It'll be cheaper.

Posted by Monty at 1:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So... um... whoops?

I remember at some point thinking that I really should consider getting back to putting my silly ramblings back on the site. I've got at least a dozen half baked ideas that I never finished (shocker) and many things that I've thought, "hey that's a good blog!" but alas...

alas is a strange word... It's like someone went up to Alaska and said lose some weight. So it dropped the ka and became just alas.

I'm sure that's what happened.

I feel like I should have a story to tell you here, but I don't seem to really.

Once upon a time...

Nope. Nothing there.

I've made a few decisions regarding my surgery. Firstly, I'm going to have it. Secondly, I'm going to have it in very early March. In theory, that'll allow me to walk under my own power again by my birthday. Won't that be lovely?

The more I've read about the surgery, the more I've come realize that the weeks immediately following the surgery are going to be awful... but the long term benefits are huge. Like my knee not coming out of socket again. That's big.

So... the next 6 weeks, I'm going to try to be up and around as much as possible. Following that, I'll get a week in the hospital and then another 3 on my back letting my leg bone heal.

I've never had a broken bone before... and I find it odd that I'm going to pay someone to break one for me now.

If people are looking to get me gifts and crap to make me feel better... buy me video games. Because I'm going to be riding that boring ass couch for weeks on end.

Actually, don't. There are many things that I can do with that time. Such as play the games I already have.

I'll probably blog daily... just because that'll be how I keep up with the outside world. I'll have to figure out a way to keep family away during that time. I'm sure they'll want to be helpful but I'd rather not be visited in a broken state.

Next post I'll have an actual topic... this was just filler to see if I remembered my password to login.

I did.

Posted by Monty at 6:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
-Mitch Hedberg

Happy/Merry/Feliz [Insert Whatever Holiday the Doctrine You Subscribe to Allows for Here]!

*Please note that if you do not have a seasonal holiday allowed to you, feel free to create one of your own.

So... From me to you, I hope everyone has a Wonderful Saint Bastard's Day.

Posted by Monty at 10:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We're getting into the time of year that I find myself returning to a few key movies that I enjoy. I tend to like ones that capture something meaningful about the season to me instead of a lot of the traditional holiday hits. I've never considered It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th St to be that special. Not to me anyway. Here's what I usually watch at least once or twice over the December span:

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer - Yes, the old Rankin-Bass claymation thing with Burl Ives as the snowman and Herbie the Elf who wants to be a dentist instead of a toy maker. I think there's a deer in there, but I'm still more fond of Yukon Cornelious... although now everytime I hear Cornelious... I hear it being stuttered by Milla Jovovich in the 5th Element. I've seen it every year in my existance and I plan to do so until my stroke. The Rudolph thing... not the Fifth Element. Although I like that one too.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles - This is probably not one that people associate with the season, but I place it firmly there. Granted, it's mainly a road flick with Steve Martin and John Candy just trying to get home for Thanksgiving... but it captures a lot of the chaos that lurks around the "perfect" holiday. This may be one of the only films I've seen over 20 times that is a lock to make me tear up. Easily the best John Candy movie out there. And... well...

[Candy and Martin lying in a bed very close together waking up]
Candy: Good morning.
Martin: good morning.
[pause as Martin only sees three hands and that Candy is laying almost on top of him]
Martin: Where's your other hand?
Candy: Between two pillows
Martin: Those aren't pillows!

Scrooged - This is the guilty pleasure. It's just Bill Murray being Bill Murray and it's great. Carol Cane as the pugilistic ghost of christmas present will make me laugh until I have my stroke. This is usually my de-stress movie.

A Christmas Story - This is my sacred holiday movie... if ever I had such a thing. Aside from just being a funny, well told story... it reminds me very much of Christmas growing up. It's not a split your pants laugh riot, nor is it the deepest, most thought provoking film since Schindler's List... it's somewhere in the middle... kinda like the majority of people's lives. I think that's the appeal. Plus... it started Mythbusters on their way with the "Does a person's tongue really stick to a frozen flag pole if licked?"

Posted by Monty at 4:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I get more spam in my inbox than any adult male should ever get.

Most have the most annoying titles regarding Viagr@ or V1cod1n... but every now and then I get one that catches my eye.

The winner so far today... Potato Explosive.

I was saddened by the fact that I could not, in fact, follow the link to the Russian Porn Emporium and Home Refinance Center and purchase said combustible starches.

That was really a let down.

But on the bright side... I got a movie about midget with bats and low self-esteem and a great rate on a reverse-triple-whammy mortgagen. I think they mispelled it on purpose to look cool.

Posted by Monty at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This has been a really, really strange week for me. I have been through some big highs and deep lows. I have no idea where I am though... it's like I'm just waiting for the next "event".

Here's the quick and dirty on it all:

My assistant's last day at work was today. That was tough in and of itself... but the fact that I'd mentally had him working until next monday really made my week crap when I found my mistake. Work in general is busy as hell.

I've got one week to get a ton of stuff done and I think there's no way it's all going to happen. But I will push myself to burnout to do it.

Because the week after, I'll be in Las Vegas on the company dime for a week. Great fun. Assuming I survive to that point.

I went to the Redskins game this past weekend. I had uber seats. (Thanks Phil!) I taunted the kicker. There'll probably have to be a whole seperate post about that.

My muse broke. That's much more different than the situation earlier this summer where I lost my muse. I will be thrilled when my muse is fixed. But that may be a while.

I've got my favorite holiday in the world coming up. And a great party with great people.

I'm not even close to ready for it.

My knee has been acting up.

I bought an Audi TT Roadster Convertible. It's super bad. It's also the most impractical car in the universe. But it sure is fun to drive. (I still have the SUV, so add to the "impractical list" the fact that I own more cars than I can drive... it runs in my family.)

I'll put a photo up here. By the way... the purchase was inspired by a variety of things, but one of them was Slide and his amazing bike. I thought how cool it was to buy something like that just for the feeling of joy of being on the road. And I thought to myself... wouldn't it be awesome to flick him and his joy off as I ran his ass off the road in a convertible.

My halloween costume is done. I don't know how. I probably put less effort into it than any other costume I've done in years... although I've been thinking about it for 20 years.

Tomorrow will be tough. I'm at the point where I have so much to do I don't even know where to start.

The plan is pretty simple though...

One really bad day at work.
One really cool halloween party.
One day recovering from said party. (I smell football)
One really bad week at work.
One really awesome week in Las Vegas.

That gets me through mid-November.

After that... I'm guessing my head will explode. As long as it's after Las Vegas... fine by me. The way my luck at the craps table was last time... I might need an exploded head to forgive my potential gambling debts.

Posted by Monty at 4:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Hello dedicated readers and people with nothing better to do.

This has been a rather crappy week. It seems like everyone around me is going out of their way to set off every hot button anger issue they can. I swear there's gotta be a "how to piss off Monty" blog out there that people are reading. It's working.

Fortunately, it seems that some of the crap is starting to subside.

Somehow I became the poster boy of racism after voicing my support for my county's crackdown on illegal immigration. I appreciate that it's a hot issue, but I honestly don't have the patience to hear anymore crap from anyone about how I should be helping my neighbors and whatnot.

Yesterday I finally snapped at someone from DC when they were talking about how my taxes should be used to fund crap programs for welfare illegal aliens. I responded, "You seem to be very generous with my money. (since it's my taxes in play not anyone from DCs) When was the last time you gave any money to an illegal alien? Do you only stand on your principles when someone else pays for them? I think I also called her a self-righteous bitch. That might have crossed a line, but I'm not interested in playing nice anymore.

But that being said, this post isn't about how crappy this week is. And it is. But how awesome next week is going to be. I woke up (late) in a foul mood because I'd been planning something really fun for today as a stress break from work (another pain) but that has since been overtaken by events and isn't happening... so I was bitter... but then the doorbell rang.

Usually, I hate the doorbell because it's ring denotes someone on my property that I'd rather not have on my property. But today it was the fed ex guy. He had a package for me. It was a significant piece of my halloween costume that had arrived early. Woo-hoo!

Packages in the mail is just like the good parts of christmas... so i unwrapped my surprise and was thrilled that it fit like it was supposed to.

More on that later.

I'm very thrilled halloween is on the horizon. The party is in about 10 days and if i can make it through the other crap that's floating around without getting myself arrested, I'll be ok.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I haven't sufficiently prepared for it. I overbooked myself in the weeks leading up to the holiday so I won't be able to do what I really wanted to do for the holiday. I think that is the quickest way to hit "uber annoying" with me. For me to have set an expectation for something and/or planned and worked towards making something happen and then have it not happen or fail. That's my today in a nutshell.

However... Halloween is coming. That's keeps me focused.

This post really didn't gel like it should have. At least its maintaining the status quo.

Posted by Monty at 1:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I was recently informed that my obsessee Christina Applegate has called it splits with her husband.

I always knew she couldn't stay away from me. All those nights I dreamt of us together have finally paid off.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to get a beautiful Hollywood starlet to fall for an outta shape thirty-something guy.

I think I've got enough drugs that I could swing that... I just have to figure out how to get them into her. Do you think she'd be too clever to fall for a random fan letter containing a mystery pill with a note that said, "Eat Me and Call My Cell Phone"?

I think I'll need to work on that.

I actually almost ran into her once in Las Vegas at the MTV music awards (aka Suckularity Contest). I thought it was her but it turned out to be P-Diddy in drag.

Posted by Monty at 10:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

OK, firstly... Matt... shame on you for mentioning Top Pot. Shame on you. I suddenly have the craving for a Bavarian Creme Chocolate Frosted monster of a donut. Shame shame. I'm going to go to Dunkin' Donuts and punch the baker in the mouth for failure to live up to my dream pastry. Beware "time to make the donuts" guy, beware.

Sleeper, I don't know why you found the last post so funny. I think it's sad. Fat people can't help being fat. It's God's will. Being fat is god's will and being gay is a choice. Like paper or plastic. We didn't evolve from monkeys we just like to dress them up like people and make them ride around on tricycles. The big bang was what leveled Sodom. Jesus rode into Salt Lake City in a covered wagon pulled by dinosaurs. Carl Sagan is of the devil. Islamic folks are good people as long as they act Christian. What was my point? Oh... Karl Rove is a big fat sack.

He actually told me once that he was proud of his baldness. He said that god talks to you straight through your skull and hair is like a god voice muffler. I said that in dogma, god's voice made people explode... didn't he need an Alan Rickman to hear god? He made a frowny face and had me detained as a non-combatant, hate monger. Actually, I have no idea what he said to me... I couldn't tell what he said through his mouth full of Twinkies and Slim Jims.

Today is Wednesday. Is it? I'm guessing. I dunno. I'm all about the weekends.

A few more days of boredom and then the weekend. I'll be downtown this weekend... doing the museum thing. I like museums but if I get bored I tend to start making fun of certain things.

I know that's amazing.

There was something else I was going to post, but now I've forgotten.

Oh well.

Oh... I know...

Hey Karl Rove, I hope you choke on that ham sammich you bloated flesh sphere. You need to hit the treadmill... you're starting to develop your own gravity field. I swear to god I saw an MTV satelite swinging around your ass. That would explain MTV's poor programing these days.

Posted by Monty at 12:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So... today the elevator in my office decided to try to kill me. Firstly, it crazy hot in the elevator. That, in and of itself, came close. Secondly, there was some sort of funky music going on in there. Thirdly... stinky perfume. Not the elevator's fault though. Finally, when I hit the down button, the elevator drop a couple of feet abruptedly and lurched up again and the doors kinda opened and closed and then it just sorta stopped.

I tapped some buttons and nothing happened.

Cool. Nap time. Just as I was about to get comfy and take a nap, the elevator went up again and the doors opened. So much for nap time.

Wow... these past two posts are very indicative that my muse has left the building.

I guess it's time to start drinking at work again... I'm sure that will produce something to write about.

It's that or I'll need a govt/biblical catastrophic failure to point fun at.

It's like I can feel the hits dropping.

Posted by Monty at 3:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The title says it all. The Seattle trip was a huge success and now I'm back to the crap gig I call working in NoVa (Northern Virginia for those not in acronymland... which borders Funky Town and sits on the west bank of $hit Creek).

I should have been taking notes during the trip, because I'm sure there's so much entertainment to be noted that I've already forgotten.

Firstly, big thank you to Matt, Jay, and Ashley for playing hosts/tour guides/drinking buddies. It was a blast, and while your city is awesome the enjoyment of the trip came from company kept. So again, thanks very much. Photos coming soon.

Usually I write a long bit about flights, but nothing big happened on this one. It was probably one of my most uneventful flights ever. I even slept on the plane for an hour. There was one steward who was rather funny. When I boarded the plane, I knocked on the outside of the fuselage. It's a habit/good luck thing I do before getting on any plane. The steward at the door asked if it was my good luck charm. I said yes and he replied that we'd need all the luck we could get since the pilot picked that week to quit taking heroine.

I laughed.

Fast forward.

The weather was incredible. Cool, often sunny. Very comfortable. We ate bar grub and drank pitches of local brew that first night. The ability to walk to bars, dinner, entertainment was very cool. I was braced up for the trip so walking was fine. With the exception of the last day, I had no problems with the knee at all and with the amount of walking we did that last day, I'd suspect many healthy kneed people would have had problems.

Anyway... first night highlight... playing bar shuffle board in the bottom of that huge bar (The Garage?). They used to have one of those shuffle board sand tables in the Officers' Club and I hadn't played with one in 20 years. It was fun with the exception that the table had a "dead zone" where the pucks would just die instead of sliding. Towards the end we got better, but it took us over an hour to get to one side having 15 points before we called it quits.

Memory highlight of the evening: Wandering back to the condo and remembering hazy days of college and wandering back from bars. In particular the night coming back from Fat's and signing alternative lyrics to NIN's Closer. If you can imagine me belting out "I want to F you like an antelope!" or "I want to F you like an artichoke!" or "I want to F you like a cantelope!" or "I want to F you like a dirigible!" It goes on, but you get the point.

More to follow on this... now I must go justify my existance by sleeping through a meeting.

Posted by Monty at 11:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've got so many projects that I need to finish. I have so many great ideas and start so many projects... but don't seem to ever get any of them finished.

On my to do list:

Paint walls and ceiling in home theatre.
Secure wires (speaker, coax, component) in home theatre.
Secure wires (low voltage) on deck stairs.
Run low voltage lighting on deck near grill.
Figure what to do with the solar lanterns on the deck.
Add 200lbs of mulch to bush area in front of house (where new low-voltage lanterns are).
Secure low voltage wiring across front side walk.
Stain deck.
Stain fence.
Build Blue's poker table.
Hang picture over TV in family room.
Clean out office. (may never happen)

Wow... that list made me ill. So much to do.

Sorry, this post was lame. I'm very, very tired at the moment and don't have the creative juices to come up with anything even remotely funny.

I'll be more better tomorrow. Also... three more days until Seattle. w00t!

Posted by Monty at 12:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm going to apologize now. This post will probably not be terribly entertaining as I was struggling to think of something to write about.

Recently, I was pondering smells. It's very interesting to me what smells some people consider very appealing, while others consider them to be rather nasty. Take for instance the chlorine smell of an indoor pool... someone finds it awesome, others probably not so much.

I determined that my favorite nostalgic smell is that of jet fuel (JP-40). My earliest childhood memories are of being at an air force base with my father and standing as close to the jet exhaust of the planes as possible without getting burned. The high pitched whine of the engines and that smell... the smell of burning jet fuel... completely surrounded me.

I'd stand on the flight line as each plane would taxi past me headed towards the runway. The pilot of each aircraft would look over at me and salute. And I saluted back. When the planes were positioned for weapons checks, I would hop in a jeep and a pilot would drive me out to the middle of the airfield next to the runway. I'd climb out of the jeep and stand on hood sometimes. The planes would then light their afterburners and the high pitched whine turned into an infernal roar as the planes tore down the runway in pairs. As the planes went past I was hit with a blast of exhaust, sound, and heat. As soon as two planes were halfway down the runway, two more started their afterburners and screamed to life. Then two more, and two again. By then my ears felt as though they were going to burst, but it didn't matter. I'd watch as the planes rose into the sky at the far end of the field and continued out of sight. Long after I could no longer see the dots on the horizon, I could still here the distant rumble of their engines. I wouldn't leave until I couldn't hear them anymore. Then I was driven back to the operations building to wait in the pilot's lounge. That where I learned to throw darts. Killing time until my father and the other pilots returned.

About an hour later the pilot with the jeep would come in and get me when the planes were 15 minutes away. Back out by the runway I'd listen to the radio and hear familiar voices while I scanned the skies looking for planes. Then I would see the break through the clouds... flying a formation. They'd fly straight over the field in a diagonal line formation, tightly grouped together. Then one at a time, they would break and roll hard to the left and spread themselves into a well spaced line that circled overheard. They would drop altitude and land... one after the other... quietly. Unlike the take off, landing doesn't require much input from the engines so they land much quieter than they take off... but as they past me I was hit with the familiar smell of that jet exhaust. I remember waving to my father as he landed his plane and him waving back from the cockpit and then rumbled on down the runway.

It wasn't until much later in lafe that I realized what a rare and unique experience that was. I still love the smell of jet fuel. It's a special treat anytime I get to go to the airport. It takes me back to a carefree time when the only things on my mind were enjoying a day with my father and experiencing several million dollars worth of military equipment in action.

Posted by Monty at 1:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm feeling a little bit funky today.

It started yesterday and I didn't help it by watching "Full Metal Jacket" before bed time. I don't know why I'm constantly drawn to that movie... oh yes I am... because Gunnery Sgt Hartman is one of my all-time favorite characters ever. But Kubrick before bed is never a good idea. Last time I did that was with "A Clockwork Orange" and I ended up the next day with "Singing in the Rain" in my head and shouting, "TRY THE WINE!", at random people. It was a real horror show.

So yeah... my mood hasn't improved today.

Normally, I'd write something bitter when I'm in a funky mood... so that's what I'll do today.

Speaking of funky... do people that bathe in cologne or perfume think they smell good?

I had the misfortune of stepping into an elevator as an overly perfumed lady was stepping out. It was bad enough as she wafted by, but on entering the elevator the stink pierced my soul! I had to hold my breath as I rode up the longest ride to floor three in the history of elevation.

When I arrived, I fell out of the elevator gasping like a fish out of water. The receptionist thought I was on drugs. I told her no... just revolted by some Estee Lauder.

I don't know if that's what it was. Stupid Estee Lauder.

You'll have to excuse me... as I was writing this a co-worker has walled up my work area with a 7ft high pile of boxes. There's something very Edgar Allen Poe in that concept. I don't really feel like being walled in at the moment so I need to prepare my dramatic exit.

Or, I could just take a nap at my desk and no one would be the wiser.

Ponderous.

Posted by Monty at 12:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So... I'm really getting stoked for my trip to Seattle. 11 more days and off I go for four days in the great Northwest. I've already mentally punched out of my job for the next couple of weeks. Actually... I'm not sure if I mentally punched in for my job in a month. Hmmm. Ponderous.

Anyway... I'm stoked for several reasons. The first and most obvious (to me) is that I'll get to hang out with Matt and Jay who I've seen far too infrequently in the past years. They're both awesome and my only regret is that it took this long for me to buy a stupid plane ticket to make this happen. Also, getting to see Ashley should be fun too. I don't think I've seen her in... hmmm... five years? Why am I asking you? You have no idea. Forget I asked.

Secondly, I've never been to Seattle and I love exploring new places. It's the awesome. This will be the furtherest west in the US I've gone. Prior to that Las Vegas was my western mile marker for the US and a bit further west I think to some points in the Caribbean/Mexico. I should get a map and double check that. Not now though. So yeah, Seattle. Fun!

Thirdly... I like the flying. I really do. It took me a while to get back into the enjoyment of flying after 9/11, but this will mark my 11th or 12th flight since then and I've really lightened up on the fear of being blown to pieces bit. Not that I think I'm any safer now than then... I just realize there's nothing I can do about it so why worry? Relaxed and groovy... the only way to fly. Actually, drunk out of your skull is fun too.

My flight, for once, isn't leaving at dawn. I've usually been known to book flights at the crack of dawn so that I arrive at my destination (often Las Vegas) with the maximum amount of fun time left in the day. I'm also exhausted before I even get off the plane. I rarely sleep on planes... except during the last 20 minutes of flight. For some reason, that's when I get sleepy and nod off. Just in time to be awakened for landing. It's a mean joke. I'm flying United, my favorite airline (We know you have a choice in air carriers and we thank you for choosing United.). It has three things going for it...

1- Clean planes
2- The cockpit channel on my headset (I love listening to the pilot-ATC banter... yes, aviation geek).
3- Economy Plus uber seating. (I love me the extra 6 inches of legroom.)

So since my flight doesn't leave until noon and I'm on a comfy flight, I should enjoy it quite a bit. I've got about 4.5 hours of batteries for my laptop and more than enough DVDs and video games to keep me entertained for the 5.5 hour flight.

Because of all of my stupid health issues, I've got no leave left so this 4 day trip is basically my vacation for the year. I'm sure I'll make the most of it.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Why do people refer to themselves and someone else when they go down a slide? Skip it.

Posted by Monty at 12:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I used to have the mindset that anything that you can eat, you can grill... provided you have the right accessory. Grilled corn, veggies, scrimps, fish, you name it... I'll grill it.

Except vegetarian bacon.

I've cooked a veggie burger and veggie hotdog before... and aside from being tacky there wasn't any problem.

Veggie bacon... completely different beast.

I set out the food I wanted, where I wanted on the grill so it would all be done about the same time. I was just guessing on what to do with the facon. I guessed wrong.

After about 5 minutes, I came out to flip my burger and lifted the grill cover to discover that the facon was on fire. Not like a normal grill/grease fire... it was more like a toxic waste fire with acrid smoke and bubbling. I let loose a few choice words and attempted to put out the fire. No dice. So I just let it burn itself out.

It left a creepy oily residue all over the grill area where it was... like an oil slick. I spent 30 minutes cleaning it, but there's still some oogy left there. At some point I'll pull the grates and give them a stern washing, but for now I'm just going to avoid that section of the grill.

And of course the moral of the story... don't be a vegetarian.

Posted by Monty at 10:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm out of sorts today. I actually got some sleep last night... it was that kinda coma sleep though, where you lay down, blink, and then it's morning and you've somehow merged into the mattress. I forgot to set my alarm last night and woke up late... thanks mainly to a dog wrestling match on my back. (I lost... so that's now Dogs: 23, Monty: 02).

I usually don't have much time in the mornings to do anything. I'm usually out of bed, into the bathroom, dressed and off to work. I decided to read some e-mail today and then play with the dogs and the more e-mail. Then I remembered that I had a presentation today and I should probably attend it. I got to work fine, but my brain was elsewhere (shocking!) so I was late for my own presentation. I didn't know a VP was going to be attending so that didn't go well. Luckily the presentation itself went fine. I think (hope) that I'm done with presentations for a while. They don't bother me much, but after doing the same one several times I'm ready to move on.

I was thirsty and wanted some water but didn't have a bottle handy. I usually drink some Gatoraid from home in the AM and just refill the bottle with water, but I'd botched it and forgotten to bring one in. So I went to the vending machine to buy a bottle of water.

I had forgotten that they raised the prices on beverages. They went from $1 to $1.10. I didn't have any change so I put in $2 and cursed the inflation gods for their perpetual interference in my life. I hit the Deer Park button and out burped my water. The change from my $2 also started to burp out. It decided to give me $.90 in nickles and dimes. And somebody torqued up the dispensor because that puppy was firing coins all over the place. I thought it was done and I reached down to get my chump change and it started firing coins again. And I caught one in the eye.

That hurt.

Not in a pain, law suit sort of way but in a "hey, that was dumb" sorta way. I grabbed my dime, wiped the blood off it, and shook my fist at the machine.

Also... Deer Park. Not where I want my water from. I'd like my water from "No Animals Pooed or Peed in Your Water Park". I'm looking at this label as I type and there's a deer or moose on the label that's just saying to me, "Me chinese, me play joke, me put pee pee in the stream that filled your water bottle because that's what deer do." I know it doesn't rhyme, but it's a deer so you should just be impressed that it can form thoughts like that.

Stupid deer.

I'm going to go find a bow hunter and get a hit contract put out on the incontinent deer.

Posted by Monty at 2:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Happy Independence Day folks.

I hope everyone had the opportunity to blow something up or watch someone blow something up. The 4th this year was low-key. Phil came over and we played around with the PS3 a bit and I grilled some chicken for the dinner. As dusk hit, the missiles let fly.

The deck is set on the back of the house in such a position that it allows for the comfortable viewing of fireworks from several townships and neighborhoods. Tonight, there were hours of non-stop ballistic fun surrounding. We watched fireworks for an hour and then Phil and I began detonating the goodies we'd purchased earlier in the day. For the record, buy one get one free will result in piles and piles of explosives. Even after we'd blown through all of the bombs we bought, there were missiles flying high from several directions. We watched until they faded out and then called it a night. With work tomorrow, there's only so much festive I can do.

Also, I ran out of propane for the grill and had to go get a new tank. An important safety tip... don't let a propane tank fly around your car loose. It can bang up your interior... and maybe explode. I guess that would have at least been in the holiday spirit.

Posted by Monty at 12:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yesterday was a magical day.

It started with a long day at work. No sleep, all sorts of crud to deal with.

At 7:00PM, I headed back into Washington for a farewell party for one of the last of my old crew to leave the White House. It was rather amazing to see so many people from so long ago. Many memories remembered. Some good, some notso.

On a few occassions, I was asked about whether I'd be interested in going back to work for Casa Blanca. There was a part of me that just laughed at such stupid idea. There was also a part of me that still feels that there's some good that I could do there. It's me hanging on to the silly notion that someone can effect change and somewhere there's still a place for someone who'll consistently do the right thing.

I lost many fights while there, but I won a few as well. Things ended badly when I left, but I think things are better off (or at least were) for my having been there. I left the party a bit early to take a stroll. My stomach was a bit queezy and I'd not been able to drink, and once the party got pugilistic I took my leave.

Since I left my job in DC behind, I've held a deep resentment for the city as a whole. It was a constant reminder of all of the things I didn't like about the world I worked in. DC at night, though, had always been a peaceful place. So I took a stroll downtown with my muse to contemplate my reality for a while and maybe indulge in a fantasy.

Having a muse is an amazing thing. I've always heard of great people in history having muses and never quite understood or appreciated what a creative and healthy thing it could be. At the most basic level, my muse has helped me deal with the monotony of insomnia. There's only so much TVLand I can take... although I can say I've seen the entire series run of Three's Company. My muse has also inspired me creatively... I've picked up my guitar again. I'm writing. I've got ideas. I even came up with a new card trick. Two actually... although the second one hasn't made its debute.

During my stroll, I reversed my opinion on DC. I came to the conclusion... a realistic conclusion... that a place is what you make it. It seems simple enough a conclusion, but for me it took a walk and a park to reach it.

If you ever have the luxury of finding your own muse, I strongly recommend the experience.

Posted by Monty at 9:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Tonight I was outside in a thunderstorm cooking on my deck.

There was something a bit surreal about cooking with fire out in the wind and rain. Something primative.

I could get used to having piles of accessible meat and cold beer on tap within arms reach.

I sit here drinking a Fosters for no other reason than I feel like it. That and I'm still tweaking the kegerator. There's a fine line between not enough CO2 and flat beer vs too much CO2 and foamy beer. I've got it down pretty close. More testing is obviously required.

I applied for a job today with the British Embassy. We'll see how that goes. I applied for a job with the Redskins a few weeks ago, but I guess that's not going to pan out. I'm not keen on going back into Washington, but who knows... it might be fun.

The dogs have been having big fun in the yard. I think they're digging a whole to China.

Big party this weekend... that should be fun.

Seattle in about 4 weeks... also fun.

Posted by Monty at 11:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hey, it's April... why am I getting Winter Weather Advisories in my e-mail?

Earlier this week it was a balmy 75 degrees. Tomorrow, 2 inches of snow.

It's global warming. It's el Nino. It's al queda. It's John Stamos.

At least the dogs will be happy. The loves them some snow.

Posted by Monty at 3:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hooray for me.

I've finally finished upgrading the blog software. You should notice no changes.

The reason I did the upgrade was to help with spammers and intergrate some older plugins. Readers should notice that I've been able to keep the comments sections of the site spam-free, but I wasn't happy with the method I was using so we'll see if some of the new ones work better.

In the meantime...

My puppy Mad Max went from being the worst puppy in his puppy school to being the best puppy in his puppy school. My what a week of work will do. He's almost six months and is really just a furry pile of energy. Being an Australian Shepherd/Siberian Husky mix makes his puppy energy doubly potent. I've finally got him to focus on me versus blowing leaves, shadows, his reflection, air, basically anything that exists... or in some cases doesn't.

Max's instructor is a stout, square-faced lady that refuses to believe he has any Husky in him. She's a pretty good trainer so far. She'd AKC certified up the yin-yang and trains service dogs in her spare time. Last week was puppy socialization week and Max wasn't terribly interested in meeting other dogs, just meeting other people. He was a bit intimidated by a very large German Shepherd puppy that was out of control and barking like mad at all of the other dogs.

Max is almost as tall as Jack now. Maybe a couple inches short. Jack's still got a 15lb weight advantage when they wrestle, but they are good about taking turns playing top dog vs. beat up dog.

Max also knows that cars are full of people.

If a car comes by he will try to chase it... hoping it will stop and spew out its people contents for him to play with. Boy does he love him some people.

It's funny now when we have people on the sidewalk because both dogs bark like mad at them from the window, but for different reasons. Jack is trying to get the people to leave his yard and Max is trying to get them to come inside to play.

Looney dogs.

Posted by Monty at 4:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In doing some more research for my trip to Europe, I've found who easy (and cheap) it is to get track time at some of the high performance eurocar test tracks in Germany. I think it'd be fun to spend an hour going nuts in a car that I could never afford and probably isn't even legal in the US anyway.

It also made me think about Operation S2000 from 2005. As some of you know, Operation S2000 was overtaken by Operation 4Runner. I love my 4Runner. It's great... much better than the Jeep Grand Cherokee. But there are time when I miss having the convertible uber sport goodness that the Honda S2000 would have brought to the table.

I wonder if I could rent a Honda S2000 and take it on the German test tracks. That probably violates some treaty from the mid- 1940's, I'll bet. German and Japanese products cannot be within 100 feet of each other.

I could get an Italian car though... although I imagine that the Germans still shoot Italian car drivers.

I guess I'll stick with a German muscle car.

If I'm ever in Italy, I'll rent a scooter.

Chaio.

Spelling kills.

Posted by Monty at 5:14 PM | Permalink

Wow... it's been a long time since I've posted anything here. I got kinda busy.

Anyway, I'm going to be making a significant effort to make more posts here in 2007.

I'm going to try to swing a trip to Europe in the fall... so that'll be cool. The current plan looks to take me through England, Scotland, Ireland, Benelux (Belgium, The Netherlands, Luxembourg), and Germany. It'll probably be a week in the UK/Ireland and then a week on the continent.

I'm looking forward to that greatly. I'll probably take a German 101 class somewhere so I can not look like a total idiot when in Germany. I know most of the folks over there speak at least a small amount of English, but I'm going to try to avoid the tourist hotels. If possible I'm going to stay in small taverns/inns, farm houses, and bed and breakfasts. I think it'll be just as fun to learn some European culture from the locals as to look at castles and Big Ben.

More to come.

Posted by Monty at 1:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

That's right folks... six days, five nights in fabulous Las Vegas. And it's free.

The credit union is sending me there for another Microsoft conference.

It's very exciting.

I'll be at the Mandalay Bay in about 4 weeks if anyone needs me.

Posted by Monty at 3:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I thought I had a Las Vegas category, but maybe not.

Anyway... 52 hours until I land in Las Vegas for not one, but two bachelor parties.

This was supposed to be an "off" year for Las Vegas, but I owe the guys big time... and combining two parties into one Las Vegas party probably saves me cash than if we did two elsewhere.

I'm only going for a weekend... fly in Friday night, fly out Sunday afternoon.

It remains to be determined if I actually think I will survive this trip... my drinking stamina diminished greatly over the past year. I did work on drinking beer quite a bit at the beach though... probably not enough to make the return flight home after two days of binge drinking and no sleep anything other than miserable.

Posted by Monty at 5:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I thought I had a Las Vegas category, but maybe not.

Anyway... 52 hours until I land in Las Vegas for not one, but two bachelor parties.

This was supposed to be an "off" year for Las Vegas, but I owe the guys big time... and combining two parties into one Las Vegas party probably saves me cash than if we did two elsewhere.

I'm only going for a weekend... fly in Friday night, fly out Sunday afternoon.

It remains to be determined if I actually think I will survive this trip... my drinking stamina diminished greatly over the past year. I did work on drinking beer quite a bit at the beach though... probably not enough to make the return flight home after two days of binge drinking and no sleep anything other than miserable.

Posted by Monty at 5:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The plan was to stay away from Las Vegas this year (and most of last year) and save up cash for a pirate adventure next year. I might still be able to swing the pirate thing next year, but we'll see.

Two of my friends from high school (two of the three I'm still in touch with) are getting married in October and they're throwing a combined bachelor party in Las Vegas. I can't really say no.

I guess I could.

But I'm not going to.

So... I'm going to Las Vegas in 5 weeks. That'll be fun.

I've got to practice my poker skills some before I go though. Not much. Most of the people I play cards with are 10x better than most of the Las Vegas low-level players. And no... I'm not going to go play the higher stakes games for a challenge. I'd rather fleece tourists than lose my shirt. If I want a challenge, I'll try to balance a spoon on my nose while drunk. If I want to play cards with strangers for money, I'll take my opponents nice and stupid please.

Posted by Monty at 1:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today's post is less negativity than usual.

It's probably not healthy to be mad at the world all the time so I'll keep my FART short today.

Home Owners Associations... every single one of them.

Yeah, in theory they're supposed to protect property values blah, blah, blah... but in reality it's just a layer of government bs. It's not even run by intelligent people usually... often it's the neighborhood busy bodies.

We have a management company that runs ours and I've taken a liking to pissing them off.

On another note... the Pink Floyd PULSE DVD came out on Tuesday.

I finally got time to watch it last night... it's only 4 hours of content so finding time was hard.

It's very snazzy. It's 4:3 ratio is annoying... but it was filmed... actually it wasn't it was video taped in 1994 and widescreen home entertainment didn't exist. That aside, the video clean up they did was amazing. Also... surround sound.... wow.

Very wow.

If you like Pink Floyd... the DVD is worth a pick up. It's $15 at Best Buy.

Posted by Monty at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Just a quick update on the wife. She's doing better.

Her back is still pretty sore and pinchy, but that was what we expected based on conversations with the ER doc. By tomorrow it should be getting better, if not we get her checked out more.

I'm now having the fun of playing "Find the Damaged Car". My mission is to find out what towing company has her car and then get it to a body shop.

USAA has been very helpful as far as insurances go.

Hopefully I won't have to get lawyered up. USAA is going to reimburse me for out of pocket expenses and deductibles (they're going to sue the bad guy driver) etc. The only thing not covered would be pain and suffering and missed work. Because she was at work at the time (driving on assignment) I'm curious if it's a worker's comp issue.

More to follow of course, and thanks for all of the well wishes.

Posted by Monty at 11:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's been a stupid Tuesday.

My wife got involved in a car accident today.

She was stopped at a light in the left turn lane and an on-coming truck ran the redlight and t-boned a car in the intersection. The t-boned car flew into the left turn and collided with the stopped car in front of my wife... that car was hit, spun 180 degrees and smashed into my wife's car.

The only driver that didn't go to the hospital was the t-boned driver. She was fine.

My wife got pretty bad whiplash and got her back out of whack. 4 hours of ER.

The prognosis is good, but she's on happy pills and bed rest for a few days. The x-rays showed some disc slippage, but hopefully it will take care of itself in a few days. If not, she'll need to see an orthopedic doc and go from there.

I'm not sure what'll happen to the car. I need to find it... it was towed off.

Stupid Tuesday indeed.

Wednesday will be better. I'm going lawyer shopping.

Posted by Monty at 11:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Monday brought massive rain to my house. I was pretty convinced that my basement was going under, but it held. We didn't lose electricity and the creek behind the house gave us a big scare, but eventually went back to being within a hundred yards of its original banks. The sump pump was working overtime keeping the basement dry, but it was making a mess of the backyard. I was worried that all the water now ponding in the back would be another threat so I decided to engineer a solution. I decided to duct tape a hose into the pvc pipe running out of the house and run the hose to a storm drain in the street. So I headed around to the side of the house with tape and hose. I took a good look at the volume of water being pumped out of the 3 inch diameter pvc pipe in a torrent and was suddenly skeptical of using my 1 inch garden hose as a conduit. But I shrugged and decided to give it a go. If you've ever seen the 3 Stooges episode "A Plumbing We Will Go", you've got a good idea of what happens when you try to do a plumbing exercise on a pipe that's belching out large volumes of water. I did manage to keep from caging myself in with pipe and also to not pipe water into the electrical equipment... eventually leading to water inside lightbulbs ("this house is show gone crazy!"). During the aquatic fun, I look down and there's a little monster attacking me foot.

There's a big crayfish doing its best to kill me via my boot. It was vicious. If it could have talked it probably have been saying, "cha! cha-cha! cha!" as it alternated left-right pinchy stabs at my foot. I didn't have time to deal with a pissed off crustaceon so I flicked it away with my boot and refocused on the "ol faithful" of a pvc pipe/garden hose project I was working on.

Finally I got all the water from the pipe running through the hose and into the street. I stood proud... and wet at my accomplishment.

I walked down the hill a little ways to go check on the swamp of my backyard and immediately another mudbug attacked. I thought he was surrendering actually. When I had stepped in his direction, he stood up out of the water and threw both claws in the air the way a Frenchman responds to a German. Little did I know that it was a trap. The little freak apparently had been watching the Matrix and tried to bust some Neo moves on my boot. Like his friend... he was punted. He landed with a splash and immediately, ten more crayfish "surrendered".

I was now a bit wierded out. I looked around and my yard/swamp was crawling (very literally) with crayfish. I wasn't interested in fighting them... especially since they outnumbered me greatly and I was on their soggy turf.

And I was starting to feel like I was in a bad horror film or Twilight Zone episode. Attack of the Crawdad. The hell if I was going to be someone else's late night TV entertainment.

With the water levels declining, the crayfish are retreating... but they're still out there. Every now and then I'll see one... crossing my driveway... peeking out from the bushes... attacking a bird.

I think the only way I'll ever be rid of them is if I bring up a Cajun to my house. Cajuns are the Black Flags of the crayfish world. And 'gators.

I did go inside and drink a Hurricane... since I was having a N'walins moment.

Posted by Monty at 3:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Last year when we had heavy rains, my basement flooded due to an electrical problem that knocked out my sump pump. We're currently receiving record levels of rain and have about 24 - 36 hours of rain to go before it's all over and done with.

The pump is hanging in there and the basement is dry, but the creek behind our house is out of its banks and closing... the creek is probably 800-1000 feet away from the house normally. It's about 100 feet from the house at the moment.

If we lose power, the basement will flood without the pump running. If we get 5-6 more inches of rain, we'll have the creek in the basement.

I'll know by tomorrow morning.

Posted by Monty at 4:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don't have a F.A.R.T. for today.

I was going to give another one to Congress for giving themselves a raise... because they've done such a good job lately. I don't care about not raising minimum wage... I think it's fine that the govt leave that alone.

But it also looks like they're going to let the equal rights voting law/act expire, which makes me happy. The act did two things... one, it served as a reminder that states in the south used to lie, cheat, and steal votes away from black people. The act in that context is mostly symbolic. Voter manipulation still exists. Republicans will try to keep minorities away from the polls. Democrats will try to keep rednecks away.

The second and more practical purpose is that it requires election ballots to be printed in additional languages for people that don't speak english. Liberal windbags are now saying that it's unfair and racist to not print ballots in other languages. But then they forget that whole part of the immigration law that says to be a US citizen you have to be able to communicate in English. And you have to be a citizen to vote. So really... you don't need a law that requires bilingual ballots because you have to have learned english to be a citizen in the first place.

That is of course, unless you've cheated.

English... love it. Get used to it. If you want the "American Dream" you have to sell yourself out just like every american. You can drop your native language at the door. No one here gives a damn about your cultural identity. We just want an SUV with better gas mileage.

I'm so sleepy.

I had another point, but I'm too tired to type it out. It revolved around George W. Bush being a lying, hypocritical bastard or something though.

I think when I move, I'm going to move to Montana and get a ranch. And then a cowboy hat. Not a white trash Texas cowboy hat... with matching boots and a hubcat-sized belt buckle. Just a cowboy hat. Then I'd get a horse, a rifle and ride around my ranch. It would probably only take 15 minutes for me to fall off the horse and break my neck. At least then I don't have to figure out how to pay for the ranch.

Posted by Monty at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Someone just told me that today is national devil day or some such nonsense.

Does Hallmark have a card for that?

Posted by Monty at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Some administrative points first. Despite yesterday's post, I had nothing to do with psuedo-shootings on Capitol Hill. Secondly, I've found that about 75% of the sites that used to link to this one don't anymore. I guess my tired rants about being broken weren't entertaining enough. Oh well. The links weren't generating any traffic anyway.

So back to the subject at hand. Birthdays are a pain in the butt.

I've had the increasingly prudent policy governing birthdays over the past decade. I don't expect you to do anything/remember mine. Don't expect me do do anything/remember yours.

It's a very practical policy I always thought.

It started mostly because I can't remember dates. It's just easier to deal with increasing memory loss by not participating in the whole game.

The secondary reason is has more to do with the fact that with only a couple of exceptions I always got screwed on birthday festivities.

It was just easier to skip the whole process.

The only exception is that every year I exchange e-mails on my birthday with my one friend who remembers mine (and I hers). I think the reason we do so, however, is mainly because they are only a few days apart. My wife threw me a big fiesta last year which was cool. She and I went to NY and had a good time.

Anyway... I brought this up because the folks at the new job are more pally than I'm used to. Somebody sent an e-mail out about my b-day a while back and people made a much bigger deal about than I wanted. Oh well, free lunch was fine I suppose. I think it was make the new guy feel welcome day too maybe. But then when other people's birthdays at work have come and gone but nobody did anything... people are bitter. Too much drama.

My wife actually likes birthdays, but finally came over to my line of thinking after her family blew off hers this year. She wanted to get together with them and scheduled it, but they collectively cancelled to do something else. I convinced her to boycott family birthdays for a year.

After 21, birthdays are just a pain in the ass.

Posted by Monty at 12:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Anytime you get a dozen or so drunk people hanging out in a room, you are bound to have a few surprises. Little did I know that I was about to come up with a brilliant franchise idea.

Various members of the bridal party were discussing "what a nice surprise" it was to see so and so or such and such. I got bored with that conversation (as I'm prone to do) and interjected, "You what a really nice surprise is? Hookers with cake. Yeah buddy."

The laugh I got was good, but it wasn't enough. So I continued on... as I do...

"The door bell rings... DING DONG. Hey baby... I brought cake. And booty. I'm from hookerswithcake.com. Best surprise ever."

There was much rejoicing.

Next year I will launch www.hookerswithcake.com... taking care of your hungry and your horney with a one stop shopping solution.

Posted by Monty at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In honor of Houdini Tarantino, this story is all out of order and not likely to make any sense at all.

Several hours after the wedding reception ended, several of of our gang were hanging out in the sitting area of the bridal suite. It was mostly the old college crowd with a few exceptions. After an hour we noticed there was a guy in the room that no one knew and he was barely able to stand up he was so drunk. After not saying a word to anyone the whole time, he promptly announced that he had had a great time but was going to bed. After the door closed behind him I asked, "Was that Quenton Tarantino?" Everyone agreed the unknown guest did look a great deal like the director/writer/loon.

The drunken party banter continued for a few minutes and then I noticed that Quenton had returned. But how? No one saw him come back in the room. A short while later, he announced his departure and left. Twenty minutes later, the incident repeated itself. I commented that the guy must have had some magic powers or something and someone must be summoning him to the room somehow... like the were rubbing a magic lamp and shouting "Puffin Shunt!" I didn't say puffin shunt, I said Pulp Fiction... but the groom's sister thought I said puffin shunt and for some reason thought that was funnier. The beer was taking hold I think.

Five minutes later... Tarantino came back, and then quietly left. This time I ran to the door and looked down the hall after him... but he was gone. An escape artist... Houdini Tarantino I dubbed him.

We decide to leave the bridal suite and let the newly married couple sleep. We headed down the hall and rang for the elevator. DING The doors parted and standing there was none other than Houdini Tarantino. I screamed. Houdini quietly said goodnight as the doors closed. My friend with a digital camera came running down the hall hoping to get a picture of Houdini, but the doors closed before he got there. On a whim he hit the elevator button and the doors immediately openned and Houdini was standing there looking baffled. He stammered, "I didn't make the doors open." My friend snapped a picture and the doors closed again.

We then spent twenty minutes pressing the elevator buttons to see if we could resummon Houdini Tarantino... but alas he was gone.

Posted by Monty at 9:50 PM | Permalink

Well...

Hookers with Cake
Houdini Tarentino
The Short Bus Gang
Puffin Shunt
Boob Luv
and much much more.

This was a tease... the post will come on Monday. Needless to say... lots of good stuff.

Posted by Monty at 6:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Casinos really do have a way with their labor management. Yesterday around the US was Mexican skip day or some such nonsense. Bascially all the illegal aliens and many legal and sypathetic hispanics took yesterday off to protest the fact the government is considering enforcing the law. I think their point was to prove that if illegal aliens were all deported the economy would stop. That's dubious... I do know if they were all deported that it would save the US about $10 billion in hand outs (that goes to about $30 billion if all the illegals get amnesty).

So bunches of people played hookey. I was sick yesterday, so I went home early. My stomach was protesting the presence of illegal alien food products. Unlike Congress, there was no debate and the aliens were deported.

But back to casinos. Casinos in Las Vegas employ lots and lots of hispanics. I'd wager (because we're talking casinos) that 100% are legal. Casinos don't do things to risk their gaming licenses so I'd be very surprised if illegals were present.

The casinos in Las Vegas basically took a stand yesterday that if you skip work... we'll fire you.

Good for them.

As a result... I think 5 people in Las Vegas called in sick. There are seriously numbers on this... of the 60,000 (20,000 are hispanic) employees of Wynn casino... 3 called in sick.

I think they proved their point too.

The illegal aliens might think that the US economy will shut down if they disappear... but casinos proved that intangible causes aren't worth losing your job over. Most places (especially in the Washington area) are too PC to do something like that. Casinos only see one color... green.

Posted by Monty at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Beware, beware... there is a rumor/small chance that I may be getting a foot back into the self-indulgent world of podcasting. Don't get too excited because it isn't a done deal by stretch of the imagination. If it moves forward, you'll see it here first.

The main issue at this time is my complete and total detestation for the term "podcast". Although the more I listen to the horrible radio options available these days (sorry Penn), the more attractive the idea is sounding.

We'll see.

Posted by Monty at 2:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Odds are though... if someone asked me (ahead of time) to be a a guest and a bartender at their window... I'm sure I would. If I was only invited to save money on a pro bartender... well... piss on that.

Posted by Monty at 7:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Tis the season for lots and lots of weddings. We've already been to two so far and have at least two more on the horizon.

Before I get to far into my rant... I want to thank everyone who has invited Kerie and myself to their weddings as guests. We enjoyed it. Greatly.

I put "guests" in that sentence intentionally (it wasn't put there by the blog fairy... who by the way looks like Jeff Bridges but smells like Lloyd Bridges). I have actually been invited to several weddings to serve as the bartender. And that drives me up the wall.

Firstly... I am good at mixing drinks. Especially at weddings. The crowds tend to want drinks that I've heard of. If I'm at wedding that has a pile bar (meaning the bar if a pile of bottles, ice, cups, and a help yourself sign) I've been known to mix drinks out of boredom. Especially if it's a wedding for a friend of my wife's and I know no one. A few years ago I attended a good friend's wedding and was asked to be the bartender. The rest of the the circle of friends were in the wedding party... oh well. I did it and considered it my wedding gift to the happy couple. At least they asked ahead of time.

I've also been invited to a wedding for no other reason than to bartend... and didn't know that until after I arrived and was wondering why there was no one else attending that I knew or had even heard of. I was they only person from that circle of friends that had skills I guess. I declined to do that job.

I like making drinks. I really do. I don't like being someone's personal bartender. If I'm at my house... and I feel like mixing... chances are, I'll make you a drink without you asking or I'll ask. If I look like I'm just making myself something... chances are... I'm not looking to wait on people. I have a great amount of liquor... and several books on cocktails. All of which are fairly self-serve.

I was at a New Years Eve party a few years ago being hosted by the father of one of Kerie's co-worker's. I knew no one and wasn't interested in meeting new people. My reputation as a bartender had preceded me and the plan (unknown to me at the time) was that I'd be the bartender at the party. I found out and got a bit pissed. But (BUT!) when I saw the bar I'd be tending I was impressed. A huge stock in a great homemade tiki style wet bar. I also talked to the guy whose party it was and who built the bar... he was very cool. I also realized that if I didn't tend bar, he was going to be stuck back there all night making drinks for the 100 or so guests and would be missing his own shindig. So I said I'd do it. Initially he said we'd swap out every hour but after he started having fun I told him to forget it. I slung drinks for 6 hours. I also learned all the new bar drinks the kids were into... like Snot Goblins. Mountain Dew/AMP Energy Drink and Vodka... I made over 100 of those. I was also fun to do speed-tending. I hadn't tending a party that large and that thirsty (everyone went ugly) in years and I was happy to know that I still had it. I ended up meeting people (sorta) cause everyone loves the bartender. It was fun. More fun that standing around. I only hit one person with a bottle and that was because they were standing next to my bottle trash can 10 feet away that I'd put a sign on saying "Do Not Stand Near This Can. Bottles Will Explode In Face".

Anyway... I do like bartending. At my grandfather's funeral people were offering me money to do their parties. In Florida. But I like to do bartending on my own terms. That's the great thing about a hobby vs. a job. Because no one is paying me to do it... I can blow it off and relax.

Posted by Monty at 4:46 PM | Permalink

It is with heavy heart that I bring to you this latest posting. I really hate writing sad posts, but I would be doing myself and the world a disservice if I did talk about this for at least a moment.

Due to the rezone and reconstruction involved with Washington DC's new baseball team... the Nexus Gold Club will be closing its doors... maybe forever. I have attended many a good party at the Nexus, including my own bachelor party. Very, very sad.

It appears unlikely that the owner will be able to find a new location DC to reopen. DC will not allow naked dance bars to be within 600 ft of a residence... and that's tough. The few places the owner found, he's getting resistance from the religious community leaders.

The current property must be vacated by the end of the year to make room for new high-priced condos near the new baseball stadium.

I was very thrilled to see that a member of the board of directors of Fidelity is standing up for the club. His take is that DC should have to find him a new location.

I hate Washington DC. The whole damn place is backwards.

If they start shuttering the strip clubs... I'll have no reason to ever go back into the city again.

Baseball in Washington... who cares? The team stinks and they can't even sell out a home openner.

Losers.

Posted by Monty at 2:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Umm... funny.

Posted by Monty at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I had a wedding to go to this weekend. It wasn't too bad. I'll clarify that by saying that by default I don't enjoy weddings. I have enjoyed a few, including my own, but usually not. The wedding was for a friend of my wife's so I was already going to be at a disadvantage of not knowing very many people there. There are a few of her friends that I know and get along with and we were all at the same table so that's fun. There was plenty of free beer and wine to go around so as I said, it wasn't too bad. I should also say that my leg was giving me trouble from the get go and that led to me being a bit of a grump. The healthy stout on hand kept most of the grump in check though.

The wedding was in DC on the same day as all the hippy tree people come to look at the Cherry Blossoms along the tidal basin. Long time readers (oh who am I kidding) will remember that I hate the city of Washington DC with every ounce of my being. Driving into the city on a Saturday is usually not that big of a deal, but add the Cherry Blossom crowd (who are mostly slow... very, very slow) and some bridge construction and things get ugly. We had to drive to an area of DC that I wasn't terribly familiar with, but we got there ok and things went on pretty much as planned.

Continue reading "Stupid Poop Kid" »

Posted by Monty at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

...I'll get back to posting my two regular features.

I've been a slacker regarding my postings of the Friday's Amazing Retard Trophy and the Weekly Drink Review. I can't drink because of my pain meds and I'm out of the loop on day to day news these days, but they'll return soon.

The blog has been hijacked over the past 3 months with tales of medical woe and unemployment. While interesting to people who know me, it's not terribly intersting for the masses.

Also, I'm aware of issues regarding the spam filter I have on the blog denying comments. I'm working on that. It denied me the ability to post the other day. I haven't figured out what to do. I don't want people to have to register, although I might make that option available for regulars. I'll see if I can provide some benefits to make that worth doing.

Anyway... look for things to get back to normal(er) over the next few weeks.

Posted by Monty at 10:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Happy Valentines Day!

Hopefully the little, fat, winged baby shoots you and yours in the special place.

My wife made me chocolate chip cookies. Mmmmm... tasty.

Posted by Monty at 11:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)